Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Cats of the cold

"Tell me something Gaurav, why didn't you wear a tie today?"

The second panelist asked me as soon as I had took a seat for my personal interview at TAPMI (Supposedly reputed MBA College in India). I replied without a flinch,

"In this hot weather sir, I thought it'd make me feel uncomfortable."

The panelist continued, "But you could have put it in your pocket and put in on minutes before the interview began. Don't you think this would have made a better impression?"

I wanted to say something in return but didn't, as I noticed he was wearing a tie and I could make out he was himself quite uncomfortable in it. The second panelist was younger and I realized he was probably an alumni of TAPMI. I wonder if the moron would have been really impressed had he known I was putting on a tie only for the duration of the interview just to show him that I can wear a tie. But later I realized that even he might have done exactly the same thing during his interview at TAPMI years back.

I replied, "I think have dressed decently enough for the interview. If you think the tie would have made a better impression, then I probably made a mistake. But I adjudged that there could be better ways to impress the panelists than wearing a tie." He dropped the topic after that.

And this is the general trend in India for MBA interviews. Apart from the top seven IIMs, almost all other top colleges have made a sham and a corporate styled buffoonery out of the MBA degree. Colleges give more importance to the superficial features of corporate culture. They claim that during the interview they are looking for leaders, visionaries, potential mavericks, innovators, and all the similar adjectives they can find in their garbage-worth collection of self-help books.

Looking practically, each of these college has around 200 seats per year to be filled by candidates. If we consider 10 colleges like that, who can generate 2000 innovators and mavericks every year, the country would be exploding with conglomerates and multidimensional industries. Yet only one of those 2000 actually turns out to be an innovator. The rest all are only a chatterbox of innovation, leadership, and all the spectacular lexicon of explosive description of successful people.

It seems behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind that woman are 200 book writers who write about the man. Behind those writers are 200,000 readers of those shit books who try to imitate him. And finally behind them is an MBA college which boasts about the guy being educated from 'reputed' institute like itself.

Its a pitiful state of Indian education system, where such colleges attract aspirants with all their promising jargon, and bank on their wealth.

This year I screwed up in the common entrance test (known as 'the Cat exam' in popular culture, and happens to be one of the toughest tests in the world) for MBA with only 97 %ile (Yeah this is actually a poor score). I missed out on the top IIM and MDI calls by less than a percentile. And since, I have to attend interviews at the rest of the ones from of the top fifteen colleges to which I have applied to. The level of competitiveness among emerging business professional is so high that it seems murderous even for hard-workers. With exploding population, and developing economy, the race for top paying jobs might perhaps be as much tough as anywhere else in the world, but the bar for skills is being raised higher and higher every year. The aspirants' math skills are good enough to tackle any third degree problem in minutes, and the English skills are such that they speak better than the Englishmen themselves. And despite all these efforts they are still average in the Indian job market.

'To bell the Cat' - A widely used term to describe the cracking of the CAT exam

You need more than that now. You need work experience of 5 years or more, coupled with exemplary extracurricular, and several postgraduate courses. And in the end you could still lose by a margin of a couple of marks.

Looking at my own debacle I serious feel that individuals are not rewarded according to their capabilities or their achievements. Its a country where you either go in a topmost institution, or go in an institution where a stupid tie is given more weight-age than the amount of knowledge.

It reminds me of an old Sanskrit verse by Chanakya (Legendary Indian political genius and an erudite scholar). Chanakya says...

Don't live in a country that doesn't allow you self respect, honour, means of living, ways of education and self development. Quit such a country. It is not fit for living.

Chanakya is correct about the opportunities in developed contry (and I seriously feel with the same amount of hard work, I would have made it in a reputed Business school in a developed country). He is also correct about self respect and honour as many non deserving people in get top jobs by exploiting the Caste based (and totally prejudiced and vote-bank politics related) reservation schemes in educational institutions.

But I disagree with Chanakya on quitting the country.

I had read some time back in the novel 'Dune' by Frank Herbert, a principle, stating that, ' The fiercest warriors are the ones who are born and raised in the most hazardous, difficult, dreadful, and arduous places.'

This is true enough to be practically applicable. The best footballers usually hail from Brazil, where impoverished families struggle in farms to raise money to send one of their several children to a professional football school. Pashtun warriors in Afghanistan fought tanks with obsolete weapons from donkey backs, and put up a stiff ten year resistance to Russians and eventually drove them out. Even among animals, its the cats, who survive in all kinds of climates around the world (even in Siberia) that have the most advanced predatory skills, which even humans envy.

A Brazilian village kid displays his football prowess.

Its the same with India. The nature of competitiveness and breakneck competition between peers develops the personality, knowledge, and resourcefulness of a person to the utmost level. Here, most of the children have only two choices; study or be poor. Its the tough life in India that can make you a better professional in all aspects compared professionals in other nations. It is also one of the reasons why Indian are being accused of stealing jobs away from locals in countries like US. Developed countries give their citizens less incentives to work hard, as they get unemployment grants. There are no unemployment grants in India. If you cant find a job your left to starve by the government. It might be a cold and cruel environment to grow up, but its an environment on which the strong thrive.

To take positives from my CAT performance, I have secured enough to convince my parents to let me take another shot at CAT. Earlier, due to my recent drop in academic performance towards the end of my college, my parents wanted me to quit studying and join the family business which I don't want to get involved in to because I hate a marketing job. The score has restored some some of the faith my parents had in me, and they wont nag me to quit my interests and, at least for a while, and let me focus.

To be honest, I feel somehow that this score could actually do more good than anything else would have. After all, everything happens for the good, if not the best.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Lunch with Raz

After finishing with my MICAT exam at Jai Hind college at 12.30 pm, I decided I'd have some lunch before heading home as my folks were out and there was no one home to cook for me. I went to Leopold Cafe to grab a quick lunch. As expected, the place was crowded since it was Sunday. As I entered the cafe, a tourist came in along with me. The manager there noticed only one table empty and asked both of us if we could share the table. Usually I don't like to sit with unknown people (especially foreigners) but I didn't object as I was too hungry. The tourist set aside his backpack and pull out a large guide book about India, and started scanning through it, probably to decide on what to order. A moment later he asked me to recommend something. I suggested a tandoor dish. He ordered the same and introduced himself. And what I imagined to be a simple half an hour lunch turned into a two and a half hour discussion.

My meeting with Dr. Gal Raz was as interesting as it was unexpected. I have a certain soft corner for Israelis considering their recent history, and when he told me he was from Israel, I was already glad to have met him. He turned out to be a faculty in Darden school of business at Virginia university. We had a lot to talk about, as I myself am an aspiring candidate for management in finance.

Initially we spoke on India. The first thing he asked me was about my time in Mumbai. I guess he asked me this because he must have heard it from somewhere that Mumbai is a place where most of the Indians hope to migrate to in their life. He was quiet surprised to know that my family have been in Mumbai since the last 400 years (or more perhaps). He asked me the places to visit in Mumbai and had to disappoint him by telling him Mumbai is a totally westernized city and that it isn't much different from any other western place. The next we spoke on tourist locations in India.

But he couldn't keep himself from asking about economy and soon we were discussing the recession and its effects in India. After giving him a glimpse of Indian economy, I asked him a question I should have asked him little earlier.

'I heard it that the work culture in Israel is quite unhealthy'. I realized a spit second later that it was probably the wrong choice of words. He said, 'What do you mean by that?' I told him that I had read in the news that Israeli employees have hardly any respect for the seniors and are very offensive in the meetings and have a little politeness or manners.'

From his face I could make out that I hit the nail right. He accepted that it was true, and said that being from Israel he had faced it before. But then he immediately moved on defensive and spoke non stop for more than half an hour (the pride of his homeland was at stake). He said that Israelis are the least polite when it comes to discussing strategies. An Englishman, if ever had to disagree with his boss, he would start with, "I agree with your point, but there is a small problem of... '. For the same case an employee in Israel would reply to his boss as, 'You're talking bullshit and your gonna screw up the...'. In Israel any employee can walk up to the director and argue with him over any matter, and even use explicit language.

But Dr. Raz said that unlike other countries where people at higher posts are quick to take offense and never excuse juniors for any vituperations, Israelis don't take such comments as a offense and it doesn't hurt their ego in any way when their juniors point. While a severe argument with your boss can get you fired in India, it can get you promoted in Israel. Dr. Gal argued that such a culture actually improves the competitiveness and productivity of a firm when bosses accept criticism and questioning in a constructive manner.

I find it difficult to believe though that seniors don't have any ego problems with their juniors finding out faults and nagging them about it. But if it is true, Israel would be a great place to hire employees from, as people would focus more on productivity and less on office manners.

We then spoke about why Indians have an edge over the rest of Asians for competing for jobs abroad. I said it was one of the advantages of the British rule (one of the very few), that we have focused on education standards better than other Asians. He was quick to agree with me on that citing Israel as another example of the same. Finally after ending the conversation with prospects for entrepreneurship in India, Dr. Gal left for the Gateway of India, and I looked down on my unfinished stake.

It was great knowing Dr. Raz Gal, sharing my views with him. After getting to know more about Israeli work culture from him, he reminded me that we should look forwards for positives in everything and shun away all the negatives of any culture.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Moon Castle

I have been wondering lately about a science fiction based on a lunar colony based on the present mechanization (i.e. not much advanced technology than what is presently used). Of the innumerable sci-fi themes, the most prominently admired science fiction concepts are those which have a high degree of feasibility (if not completely attainable), for eg: Deception Point by Dan Brown, which despite being a science fiction fantasy, does offer a nearly plausible explanation for the described events (i.e. forging a meteor). Likewise I did some online history-geography research and based on our present savvy and the knowledge about moon. I have drawn out the following salients points which would be a likely or even a sine qua non platform for the lunar sci-fi fantasy.

Problems to be tackled for lunar stay.


1) Breathing and Water : Recent probes on the moon suspect large deposits of water in the shadowed depths of lunar craters (located near the poles). These deposits can be used to generate both oxygen(along with nitrogen imported from earth) and water for consumption. Denaturing oxygen would need more inert materials like nitrogen. However, our body doesn't use up the nitrogen, and its quantity decreases with an extremely low rate compared to that of oxygen. Hence we needn't worry about nitrogen supply.

2) Energy : There are zones on moon which are 'places of eternal light', i.e. there is an incessant and eternally unobstructed incidence of sunlight. A solar cell placed on such a spot would provide a stable stream of energy.

3) Food : Cultivation can take place indoors in controlled environment, with solar energy being ferried to the particular farm with the help of a set of mirrors to reflect light from eternally sunlit places.

The above problem are those which everyone can imagine to be cohesive, although they are the most convenient to address.

However, there are many issues which make such a moon base concept almost impossible, and are quite unimaginable even for colloquial space enthusiasts.

The real problems facing the moon base:

1) Space radiation (Cosmic rays)
On the earth, the harmful cosmic rays (high energy photons) released from the sun and outer space are blocked by the opaque atmosphere and Earth's magnetic field. It generates a secondary wave of radiation whose intensity is further abased due to the ionosphere, and hence we are protected.

However, space radiation is harmful, and once unprotected, one can have his DNA attacked by the radiation resulting in cancerous cells along with other bodily malfunction. The radiation is one of the major problems facing a plan for a crewed mission on Mars. In case of the Apollo mission the astronauts were on the Moon for relatively short time, i.e. days, and we hence not adversely affected by radiation. But a prolonged stay (months or years) is unthinkable due to the harmful effects of radiation.

2) Solar flares and Solar winds
Powerful surges of energy released by the Sun have harmful radiation which can knock the communication systems down and destroy vegetation and life. With the absence of atmosphere on moon, any life is heavily susceptible to solar activity. We should note that Mars has lost its 'air' due to continuous bombardment of its atmosphere by solar winds.

3) Temperatures
During the lunar day, the surface temperature averages 107 °C, and during the lunar night, it averages −153 °C. It would be impossible to have a stable environment under such temperature constraints.

Addressing these issues...

1) The Lunar soil (Regolith) can be melted and fused to form a glass-like material (Lunar bricks) which can provide protection from harmful radiation, although this would give out secondary radiation which could be even more harmful. The effects of the secondary radiation could be then minimized by employing hydrogen rich plastics. To go to the moon and use the regolith to manufacture Lunar bricks can be a feasible plan to counter deep space radiation.

2) Protection against Solar activity can be achieved by having the hub underground (Possibly under the Lunar dust. The Lunar dust can be an effective shield for protection from solar winds, although communication systems may still be susceptible. Moreover outside exploration during a solar flare could be detrimental.

3) There are some areas on Moon like the 'Peary crater' and 'Malapert Mountain' where the temperature conditions are expected to remain very stable, averaging −50 °C (−58 °F).This is comparable to winter conditions in Earth's the Poles of Cold in Siberia and Antarctica. Establishing a Hub with stable temperature here can be possible.

Of more significance to us is the Peary crater.

The crater is located at the north pole of the moon. A large part of the crater remains in eternal darkness (it never receives sunlight), giving partial protection against solar activity.

The crater has an extremely an low temperature and high depth basin where light elements (volatiles), such as carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen and the most crucial of all, water can exist in pressurized state. Such vital resources can be available close by, just a few kilometers away from the Hub settlement.

The rim of the crater has four mountainous parts which are 'peaks of eternal light'. These unnamed "mountains of eternal light" are possible due to the Moon's extremely small axial tilt, which also gives rise to permanent shadow at the bottoms of many polar craters. Hence having a eternally sunlit area is an ideal location for the much needed perpetual solar energy generator, which can power the base.

The image of the Peary crater floor

The unknown Variable

The most uncertain factor of establishing a Lunar colony is the effect of microgravity on Human physiology. Low microgravity is known to result in a depressed immune system. It can also impair the development of the foetus. The exact details of the adverse physiological malfunction due to microgravity are not known. In short run, microgravity can be handled by wearing a heavy suit (with a large mass), that would balance the reduction in gravity. However, a limitation for this is that it doesn't address the effect of microgravity within the body organs, like less buoyancy for blood, less force exerted by heavy organs on the body parts around them. There have never been any long run experiments to investigate the effects of microgravity on human body and hence it is a subject of uncertainty.

Ignoring the microgravity and solar activity to some extent, we can have a strong candidate for an almost feasible astro-fantasy theme. Cheers!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Wish List

When I was young, there were a lot of things that would amuse me, making them desirable. Being unable to get that one thing, I used to keep a note about it on the back of my mind. After some time and effort I would certainly manage to procure it. But after having devoured it for some time, I would lose all my interest, with my conscience picking me that the thing I coveted wasn't worth all that attention. But that didn't stop me from being desirous of such other things. It would be a continuous cycle, and still is.

But all this while I have realized that I never really liked all those things I did seek desperately, and that it was just a whim to quench my curiosity. And maybe it is like that for everything else. Any act we wish to accomplish is sacred to us only as long as we don't conclude it. After having concluded our goal, we have no further value for that. We never cherish our success, but only enshrine the effort and pluck that goes behind the success. And after that we move on to a new one.

This is the reason why I am looking for such an design for a mark that would keep me occupied and working for the rest of my life. After having concluded it, I'll probably write a book on my efforts for it. Of course finding such a thing would take some time. But while I am at that I also have a wish list about things to do in life, just like those 'optional quests' in any video game for bonus points.

Its not that I care much about such things, but I'd like to have such exploits on my archive. Here is the list of all those....

1) Slap a cop on his face in public: And I am not talking about some low rank peon, but a high ass like a bureaucratic police officer. That's not all. I'd like to slap him and bring about such circumstances on him that he'd have no choice but to ignore my intrepidity, and let me get away with it.

2) Own a rodent Sanctuary: I'd like to build a rodent sanctuary and house all the different species of rodents there. Of all the animals, I am most fond of rodents (and weasel family mammals).

I'd also like to conduct research withing the sanctuary to enable rodents to interact with humans, and influence human lives the way computers do in the contemporary times. One should find a guinea pig or a hamster in every house.

3) Beat someone up with a Nunchaku: The only time I have seen a nunchaku combat is in the movies. This is unacceptable to me, and I want to do it myself.

4) Rescue Gilad Shalit: As much as I am emotional about him, I'd like to be the one to rescue him. In any case, I hope that he is rescued soon and pray for his safety and well being.

5) Throw up a toast of bread and make it fall the butter side up.

6) Catch a snake by it neck: I have already done it once, but that was in Haffkin's research institute, and I was wearing protective gloves at that time. I didn't get to feel the snake's skin. Well next time I want to do it in a jungle. I'd like to wrench a snake off the tree by his throat.

7) Learn Japanese: I know. This one is the most implausible of all my fantasies.

8) To learn punch a hole through a wall with bare fists: I heard it can be done if in case its a single brick layer wall, and if you manage to hit the right spot.

9) To hunt a Russian Tundra wolf: Hunting would be my favorite sport if I ever start with it. But I do want to start hunting one day. And after having hunted, I'd like to fry and eat the meat in a camp in the middle of a snowy forest.

10) Have a collection of my poems published and sold in book stores: Yeah this is again a difficult one. I have written many poems, but most of them are too childish to publish.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Tax Payer

Squeezed by taxes

In my country, India, majority, i.e. more than 50% of the population is poor. By poor, I don't mean that they face shortage of basic necessities, like the people in Africa but rather, they are poor compared to the standard of living in other countries. Since they enjoy majority, they always elect a government which favors them. The elected government however, rather than actually working towards the emancipation of poor, just creates a hallucination of hope for them, making them believe that the government is their own.

It is easy to befuddle and woo such illiterate men, and polarize their votes, by announcing reservations in jobs and colleges for the poor, making bombastic schemes for employment and declaring subsidies. The truth is, corrupt politicians never let the benefits of such schemes reach the poor.

And truly you can't expect them too. It is impossible to eradicate poverty in the world. Poverty is a part of life, and has existed since the origin of mankind. No government can make everyone rich. I agree that in some nations the poor enjoy many benefits and their standard of living is higher than their counterparts in poorer nations. But their better living standard is actually obtained at the expense of other nations. Moreover, I think the existence of poverty completes the home of mankind, as without poverty people can never enjoy being rich.

But the real victims of such cozening government attitude and cheap election tricks are not the poor but the bourgeoisie like me.

The government generates subsidies and provisions for the poor by taxing the middle and the higher class. And as usual, the upper class elites always have a way of evading taxes. The lower classes of society hardly have to pay any taxes, and no one gives a damn if they fail to pay. But we, the middle class always have to abide by the laws and pay for running the nation.

Although at first sight the population of educated working middle class seems like a modicum compared to the vast poorer section of the country, the truth is the middle class actually runs the country and its economy. There are several medium enterprises which control most of the inland economic setup, and also many middle classed professional form a large part of the industrial and clerical work force in the country. Exports and imports in the country are shaped by medium capital industrialists, and the nation thrives on their success.

Ironically, we are the most heavily taxed. Taxes are paid on every unimaginable details of our incomes and benefits. For small manufactures, taxes are to be paid at every level of the production processes. We pay it duly because of the tough enforcements on us.

And for all this, we get nothing in return and are made to hear that silly quote, 'ask not how your government fucks you up every time, but what you can do for your country'. The jobs are reserved for either the wealthy by their influence, or for the poor by the government, while the qualified middle classed youngsters have to struggle at every stage of their career.

Coincidentally, the middle class is responsible for a major chunk of government revenue. And even if we are discontented with the government, our votes don't matter because we are a minority, despite our best efforts to contribute for the nations wealth. This is one of the reason why democracy doesn't work in India, because a very few people actually know what's good for their nation, and poverty-stricken masses are easily swayed by mesmerizing political games.

One of the most obvious examples of tax injustice by the government is the 'Property assessment tax'. This is a duty charged by the government for living in a metropolitan city. The taxing is such that the one who starts living in the city has to pay duty on the residential area he owns. However, the tax to be paid is according to rates during the year of construction of your house. The earlier settlers and slum dweller have to pay something like Rs.5 every year, while those who have settled recently have to pay around Rs. 80,000 per year. This tax makes it harder for able men to start their own home in the city, and deprives them of a major portion of their income. The conditions of this itself tax are a joke.

As of now I am a tax payer, because of the tough regulations, but I plan to evade taxes in the later part of my career. The fact that I don't want to be a tax payer is because I don't want my hard earned income to go into the hands of some obese rural asshole who will spend it on third grade liquor at weekends. Its not that I don't love my nation. I am prepared to take a bullet to protect my countrymen as I have said in one of my earlier posts. But as far as the government is concerned, it does not protect the interests of people like me, and so I am obliged to protect my interests with a bit of selfishness and be intolerant towards the prejudice.

Pain in the ass


Friday, September 4, 2009

The popular Hindi movie brand : Mithun

For those of you who haven't heard of Mithun Chakraborty, he is a film actor/ action hero who has produced and acted in films meant for those people whose skulls have cobwebs inside. Despite making totally senseless, cheap and embarrassing imagination based films, he is very popular among the rural folk of India. The action scenes in his movies defy all the laws of physics of this planet (as well as any other planet).

He is equivalent to Chuck Norris of Hollywood. Most of his stories are typical. But the reason he remains my favorite actor is, that unlike other top Indian movie makers who use innovative idea and spend millions on new films, this guy just exploits the poor film taste of majority of rural Indian population, and banks in on all their wealth with his inane movies, and earns more than many other prominent film makers. This post offers you an insight into 'his type' of movies, as well as the sorry state of film industry in India due to the nature of brainless viewers.

Mithun may have been a protagonist of 400 films according to you. But after a little research you may notice that each of those flops cost him about 50 lacs (500 thousand) in making, while his sale all over India was about 1 core. That's 50 lac net profit per film. No wonder he didn't stop making any more. But that the way it has been with Indian cinema, when more than half the viewers are from rural terrain. He earns less on one film compared to other big movie makers, but those guys make one film in each year while he makes 20.

Mithun Chakraborty in one of his hits films. From his appearance you can imagine what a film this would be. But considering it was a super hit, just try to imagine what kind of audience India has.

Which goes to say that the films are made for their taste, and not for art, creativity, or for people who bother to read my blog, and even for those who don't. In any case its much easier to satisfy their taste when one follows a certain specific rules, and then any motherfucker can mint gold out of an average Hindi movie. This is how it works :

Rule 1:

There are only three kinds of police officers in India : The commissioner of Mumbai, the Inspector, and the Havildar.

The commissioner of Mumbai is a God of all police force in any part of the country, and is necessarily known as 'Anupam Kher' (type cast actor) in real life, and no being is superior to him. He even looks after the entire defense forces of the country. To be eligible for the post of the commissioner, you need one and only one, very good looking daughter, who must be a virgin, and must have completed education from US.

The inspector is the next rank after the commissioner, and is most often a young man, with one widowed mother(though not necessary). He spearheads and entire operation, right from gathering intelligence, planning, and executing commando ops, fucking the commissioner's daughter, and he has to do that all alone with a single 6mm pistol(which of course as unlimited bullet supply), although except on very rare occasions he may use a Carbon Sub-Machine gun, which however cannot be issued to him directly by the police, and he must snatch it from an ill trained thug.

The havildar (private) is virtually no one, and is prohibited from using hand guns, and must resort only to sticks. He mostly does the peon work.

Rule 2:

If you don't want your movie to be a total flop, you must feature Jonny Lever (a prominent ut silly comedian overused in many Indian movies) in the film, for cheap comedy scenes. Unless of course its a Govinda film. In that case it will be a total flop nevertheless. (Govinda is a well known actor in Indian cinema industry whose films are very popular among all the convicted prisoners in the country, and they are one of the top entertainment means in prisons)

Rule 3:

Your film must have songs, and those must necessarily be highly embarrassing for viewers to listen and watch. All of them must be sung by Lata Mangeshkar (a stereotyped singer), and other idiots. Dances are compulsory and there must be at least one sequence shot in Canada or New Zealand. Otherwise your movie will be flop. Unless of course if it is a Govinda movie. Then it will be a flop anyway.

Rule 4:

If you sign Govinda for your film, it will be a big flop no matter what you do. But in case you happen to sign Mithun along with Govinda, then you can cheer. Because you will at least earn 50 lacs from Mithun's fan club no matter what you include in your films.

Rule 5:

There is no such thing as sex in a Hindi movie. In any case, if you want to include sex, then you must substitute the sex scene by a stupid song. Sex is reserved only for Hollywood products.

Rule 6:

In Chinese kung fu movies, people jump from the 10th floor of a building to the 1st floor. In Indian movies, people jump for 1st floor to 10th floor.

Rule 7:

There is one and only one way to escape from a prison cell. Start a fight with your cell mate. The cop will open the cell door and come inside. After that, Bingo! You overpower him with one smack. Get out of the cell and over power all the other guards, since they are all Havildars. Havildars are very easy to overpower. They are just cosmetic cops. Then you steal a prison vehicle and flee.

Rule 8:

There must be a rescue sequence in the film, where the protagonist rescues the heroine. You see, without a rescue sequence there can be no love between the two, and it would be a flop film to begin with. But indeed, if it is a Mithun film, you needn't worry about love, as the girls will already be in love with you even before the movie begins.

Rule 9.

Cops always arrive in the end, after the protagonist has silenced all criminals. But in case you forget that and cops arrive in time, they must inevitably die at the hands of bad guys. Don't worry though, since cops most are Havildars, and hence very easy to kill.

That's about all I think. As for the rest of the matter in the film, you can put fill any crap. If you film follows these rules it will be a hit for sure. However, if you substitute any or all of these rules for Mithun Chakraborty in your film, it will be a super hit. And that is irrelevant of the role Mithun plays in the film. He can be anyone, the protagonist, side hero, side kick or he may prefer playing the father of the heroine, or even the heroine herself.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I am a big enthusiast of foreign languages and I wish to learn and get fluent with as many popular languages as I can. So far I have only learned beginner level German and Spanish. Since being involved in the process of learning new languages for two years, I have realized the most common mistake people do when they learn languages. They try to learn all the new language by translating it, word by word, into their own native language. This is exactly the worst thing you could do to learn any language.

The reason is, all languages follow totally different rules for conjugations and have many concepts for which there is no direct or parallel analogy to any concept in your native tongue. For example, in English, the verb endings change only according to the tense and are independent of the gender of the subject. In my language, Marathi, the verb endings depend on both tense as well as gender. An Englishman, if ever endeavors to learn my language, will probably go nuts in trying to grasp all the verb endings, since there is no direct translation for it in English. (Among all languages, English has the most oversimplified rules for conjugations, which makes it very easy to learn compared to other languages)

The best way to learn any language is to start from scratch, just like you learned your own language in childhood. From actions and cues you try to grasp the meaning of words. Direct translation can have horrible effects, as often seen with Chinglish.

Chinglish is a word for "Chinese English". The Chinese language is a pictorial language. It has a different base. I have seen small English words which, when translated into Chinese become longer than a sentence, while sometimes a long sentence in English may have be relatively two or three characters long in Chinese translation. Obviously, as a Chinese guy if it try to translate all my sentences in English, word by word, it'd actually change the whole meaning.

And we altogether get a new language, 'Chinglish' which makes sense only for the Chinese. Chinglish is being employed by Chinese government and is ubiquitous now in all major cities. You can see all the signs and notices addressing you in Chinglish. Seriously, the Chinese really need a break. I mean these guys cant even hire some decent (or even average English speaking guy) to get all their language problems solved. They probably don't know how to use the internet.

Check out some of the funniest instances of Chinglish below.

Selling Butter

Okay! Maybe it is possible that the company isn't selling butter after all. But I think, what they actually mean to convey is, that their butter has such a delightful taste that, it is too good to be butter at all. Understandable, it is a typical advertisement cliche.

But then again, it appears to me, as a normal buyer, that they are trying to sell their product to people who are desperate for not buying butter. Obviously if I wanted to buy anything except butter, this product might be a good option for me. However, they again mention, 'unbelievable' on the package. It means we would find it difficult to believe that it is not butter. Then what the fuck is the point of buying it. Technically, as the product only says that it isn't butter, it can be anything, even marijuana. So we don't even know what we are buying in the first place. Plainly, only retards would buy such a product. Or maybe perhaps its a new marketing maneuver, where you're selling a random product by trying not to sell a specific product. Innovative idea. It must be an IBM product.


It's very subtle to comprehend, but I guess they mean, "Check the fixed price of goods". However, I have no idea where 'fuck' came in from. Maybe, its someone's idea of expressing frustration and disgust at the fixed price of goods, as it enjoins any kind of cost bargaining. I suppose in China, the customers are entitled to put up their own sign boards in shops.

Blow up

For this one I just cannot imagine what they actually mean. Or it must probably be a secret message of some kind. Either way it doesnt make sense. I mean, what the hell are those toys doing in a shop like that?

Dont touch yourself

I fail to understand whom this sign addresses. Definitely not pedestrians. Who would want to help the pedestrians touch themselves. Also I hope that, the 'us' in the sign refers to group of young ladies. Otherwise the sign wouldn't be worthwhile. The Chinese certainly have interesting volunteers for interesting activities. The 'try out' makes me further suspicious about what they are referring. But I am sure it must be something fun.

Electric shock

That's a fine example of reverse psychology. If you try telling a stupid troublemaker not to do something, he would exactly do the opposite, just to annoy you. As a matter of fact a sign saying "Beware of an electric shock here", would get such a person killed de facto. Hence, they have put up this sign to make sure no one gets killed. Practical thinking.

Strange juice

Perhaps, they earlier called the juice, 'poison' or 'snake venom'. But that must have scared away all the customers. So they probably decided to upgrade the name.


I think they must have tried to say "Be careful or you may drown". Now however, it sounds as if they have tried to put that sign for those who come to that river (or whatever) to kill themselves or try to drown their companions. Indeed, if you try to drown yourself and others by making too much fuss, you may mess up your killing attempt as it would unnecessary draw public attention. Hence, they tell you to do it carefully, i.e. doing it quietly when no one is looking.


I cant comprehend what they are actually trying to say. Or maybe they have put it the right way. I mean it could be a legitimate warning. One shouldnt use the lift if it catches fire. Although if you're in the lift when it catches fire, you'd be dead in no time. If you are not in the lift when it catches fire, I dont think you would be able to use it anymore. It is kind of obvious. But after all, many people lack common sense (especially the Chinese) and it'd helpful if they have given you basic instructions to save your ass.


'No kicking of balls'. This is the key principle of Shaolin martial arts. The 'Groin kick' is an illegal move in Shaolin combat. It is also illegal in almost all types of martial arts, except Krav Maga. The Chinese do well to remind us their humble traditions.

And this one is way over my head

The Chinese need some serious re-orientation on learning English.