Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The virtual world of canvas

Cornfield with cypress trees by Vincent van Gogh

I was waiting in front of MMB for my friend, when it was evident to me that he would be late(but in fact the moron wasn't even coming). I decided on passing my time at the adjacent Jahangir Arts Gallery at Kala Ghoda. I had been there before ofcourse, on two occassions to be precise... once back in 4th grade when my my close relative, Mr. Harish Raut (one of the most prominent Indian painters) had exhibited his paintings, and later in 10th grade when, soon after his heavenbound departure, all my close relatives decided to auction off his remaining master peices. But in those times, I was a mere guest, and not really interested in any arts. But now, for the first time, I entered the gallery of my own free will, although not expecting much. After entering the right sided gallery(I can't recall the name of the hall).

I witnessed massive painting of nude village women clad in translucent silky cloth along contemporary Indian countryside. The paintings were quiet large, such that the painted women were looking twice my size. It was quiet an enthralling scene, and no wonder the price tag was exceeding 70 grand. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't excited by virtue of the naked ladies or the obscenity, but the minute details which the artist had emphasised on, along with the huge shape of the more than life sized drawings. It was by no means pornography, and you'll agree with me if you see them yourself. I later managed to get myself out of the hall (reluctantly ofcourse, because I thought I'd be looking like a pervert, staring at the breasts) and I went on to the left sided gallery.

I never seen anything like it before. The paintings here were much smaller, and again of contemporart Indian era, but the colours actually seemed as if exploding out of the frame, everytime you put your eyes on the paintings. I guess it was the combination of strokes that must have done it, but the subject was quite simple, and the meaning of the scene could be clearly understood by reading the titles of each painting. There were forty or such in the gallery, and even several of them were water coloured. I then knew, why men spend millions of dollars on such paintings, as they are priceless. If I had the money, I would have definately bought one then and there(I swear I am going to make it my indulgence one day).

Shashikant Bane's works on display at Jahangir art Gallery

It sparked a whole new interest in me and I approached the artist, Mr. Shashikant Bane, who was standing at the centre of the gallery. I told him, after looking at his paintings, I wished to paint my own. I guessed it would be difficult ofcourse, since I was never much of a painter in my teens, having never appeared for those 'Elementary' and 'Intermediate' exams in my schools. But he said it wasn't necessary, and that I could start working on painting from scratch, at any age as I pleased to do. He told me to begin with pencil sketching first and then on canvas with oil paints. The advantage of using oil paints on canvas is that you can always, make amendments to your drawing within 24 hours, and even correct mistakes, especially while you are working on faces. Water colours make it more difficult as you can't make major changes.

So I have decided, I'll be working on my very first painting from november, now that I am through with sketching and shading already. I'll be painting my favourite scene, i.e a naked girl in bed... just awake, with hair disheveled, and narrowly revealing her breasts from the matress. The face I guess will be the the most difficult part, as even a tiny bit of mistake changes the entire personality, so I will procrastinate the task till the end. And I will also add a tattoo... though where exactly and what kind of tatoo, I haven't yet decided. But I am definately into painting now. It would have been better perhaps if I were to get someone to pose for me, but I shouldn't be too optimistic about it...

A Painting by John Fischer

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Beat your wife

It was almost time for me to call it a day's work leave for home along with rest of the office staff. And then this senior manager just mentioned something that sparked a whole new debate, attracting interest from every other member of the office. I don't exactly remember what made Shrikant say it, because I wasn't paying attention to the things spoken before, as I was chatting with Onkar on Gmail. And suddenly, just like the rest of the staff, I heard him speak in marathi, "Hoy, mee marle ahe majya bayko la", (Yes, I did hit my wife). And all the necks in the large room abruptly turned towards Shrikant, and most hurriedly the ladies. Some girls in among the staff clasped their mouth, other looked on with their jaws dropped, followed exasperated gasps. Shrikant the explained why he did it. And so I write this post to emphasize my support for Shirkant over the necessity of use of physical force against one's spouse.

Reasons to hit your wife:
1> Hitting is fun. Don't you agree! If you have ever played Midtown Madness, a video game where you try to run your car over people moving around the street, and try to cause maximum damage, and you'll know what I am talking about. The best person to hit is your wife, because you will be able to hit her again, as she isn't going to run away anywhere.

2> Face it. Most of the temperamental women tend to nag their hubbies a lot over a host of insignificant and immaterial issues, like not flushing the WC, and forgetting to put one's socks in the wash machine, and masturbating. You can ignore it initially, but sometimes when your run in trouble at work, and you are in a bad mood, that bitch will make things worse for you by such attitude of hers'. At such times, your soul mate is supposed to support you, and not annoy you further.

In which case, you may shout at her. But if you give her a 'one tight slap' the first time she nags at you, in that case you'll never face this problem in your life ever again, as your wife will know not to get on your wrong side. So beat the shit out of your wife the first time she gets on your nerve. If you ignore it even once, you'll have to regret it rest of your life.

Tip: For the first time when you do it, hit the hardest. So hard that the bruise must be visible to anyone for at least a week. The best part to hit is the face, because every looks at that. You can probably use a belt, but it belt marks can be easily cover by clothes. But yes, using a belt to hit on the cheeks is a good idea.

3> The reason most love marriages don't work is because, when a girl marries someone out of love, she expects a lot from her husband. That makes it harder for the hubby to hit her. He goes on to tolerate her attitude problems. But at some point in his life, he can't take it anymore, and so the couple decide to call of the marriage.

In this case if you just set aside your love, and all other sentiments along with it, and take a practical approach to the case, and be brave and hit stupid moron of a wife, and you can successfully infuse some sense in her, and she may be more amiable and co operative with you in the future. Remind yourself that even you have the right to expect a lot from your girl just the way she does.

If you think love is just about giving, you are right, but you are also a bloody idiotic loser. You must remind you spouse that even she must think of just giving all the time because she is in love with you. If not, then she can very well fuck the hell off.

4> Some women are more resolute and adamant. Sometimes, at your very first hit, your wife may decide to divorce you. You may be afraid of it, and perhaps that would be a reason you would delay the flogging. Come on, who are you kidding. IF your wife can divorce you now, she can also divorce you later. And if you already have kids with her then, then you would probably get yourself screwed by hitting her then. Because if she decides to divorce you then, you're dead meat. The reason is, the law always gives preference to the women, in cases of child custody.

Hitting your wife in a short time after marriage, can clear up whether she will stick around, or leave you. If she leaves, in that case God just imparted you salvation from a bad choice, and you got yourself a second chance, by realizing your mistake in choosing. Think of it as a reward for your courage in raising your hand.

If she doesn't leave, and just cries in her room. BRAVO. You have a perfect wife, and you will be having a very happy married life. Love you wife then. Never hit her again, unless she nags(which would be unlikely, once she knows you can hit). Make love to her everyday. Kiss her daily, on lips, smooch her with your tongue. Brush her cheeks (women like that), and don't forget to have sex. You can caress her breasts too. Its feels very nice. Again try to make her purr in bed.


5> When you have sex after apologizing to your wife, women get more passionate and fucking gets more exciting then. First hit her. And then say sorry, and plead. And she will like that. Then make love for at least 2 hours. Nothing like it. Best, do it on Sunday so that you wouldn't get disturbed. And you can take her out for dinner too. I bet she'll be looking great and would be dressed sexily too. There no satisfaction as that which comes with walking around the street with your life partner dressed in a highly stimulating outfit.

In some, and very rare cases, you may never need to hit your wife. Perhaps if your wife is very mature, highly understanding and considerate of you, there is absolutely no reason to hit her. Remember, hitting without no reason is a bad thing. Even Hitler didn't hit his wife (though he was married only for couple of hours). If you happen to marry such a women, you are the luckiest man on the planet. Ask no further.

Also, in some cases, again rare, if your wife is intelligent, you can actually argue with her over her behaviour. Remember, to have a successful married life, your wife must trust your judgment and decisions. IF your wife doesn't trust your decision making ability, you're in for a big ride. And in return you must trust your wife's judgment too. If you can't do that then don't marry the girl, and find someone else who's decision you trust. At any rate you don't want a wife who is an idiot. Unless of course you're wife accepts the fact that she is an idiot. In that case you are lucky again. The wisest thing that can be done in the world, is for an idiot to agree that he is an idiot. Even the wisest of all men find it a very difficult task.

If you trust your wife's intelligence and decision making acumen completely, there is no reason to hit her as it is more likely that you are an idiot yourself.

When to do it?
If you have made up your mind to hit and you are wondering when to do it, here's a tip. Do it when she least expects it. That way you can record a maximum shock and optimal impact, both on body and mind. If she nags you now, wait till she is in a cheerful mood till later. When she is all in her best mood, hit her quickly, and make it fast. It should be in a split second. I would advice practicing initially. That should be helpful. That one stroke will have settled all your wife-nagging trouble for the rest of your life. The more brutal, the more effective it will be.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Just another ambergris

This is what I think of oil. Its just another ambergris.

Petrol is as good as water these days. We cannot live without it. We just can't live without it now. Or perhaps it appears so. But I HATE that liquid. If god were ever to condescend on me and ask me for a wish, I'd ask him to rid the world of it in a snap of a finger. Here's why:

Those middle east sheiks make money out of nothing. They generate so much, as to make tree shaped islands for themselves in the middle of nowhere, and build a huge refrigerator to preserve a skiing range right over a 100 degree hot patch of desert. And despite all that, schools in Saudi Arabia teach a 25 year old man, the same lesson we learn in 8th grade here in India. Not a penny spent on education. And why should they bother. There are only the higher and the lower middle classes in Middle east. The wealthy can afford to get educated in UK, while the poor don't need any literacy to clean the camel's behinds. Not to mention the sad plight of the women, who aren't even considered for counting in their census. I am frustrated at that because Saudi girls are too good, and would even make Angelina Jolie look disapprovingly at her puppies from time to time. I don't think Sultan Abdul-Aziz ibn Saud would have hoped for this when he freed his nation from the foreigners to make it 'Saudi' Arabia.

Sultan Abdul Aziz ibn Saud's insignia - Second ruler of Saudia Arabia and the son of Prince Muhammed ibn Saud. The founders of Saudi empire.

But how long do you think their petro-dollars are going to last. In my opinion, their future will be exactly as Matt Damon mentions in 'Syriana'. They were a pack of Nomads 100 years before, and they will be a pack of Nomads hundred years later. Because the fate of their oil is the same as that of the Ambergris.

What is Ambergris? or rather What was Ambergris:

Ambergris is an substance extracted from the intestines of a Sperm Whale. Whenever Whales die, their bodies are carried by other whales to a specific spot in the ocean, called the 'graveyard of whales'. It is extremely difficult to locate a graveyard, as it is often at ridiculous depths. But once found, it would virtually make a whaler into a multi millionaire back in the old days. Since it would allow him to extract tonnes of ambergris. There was a time when Ambergris was worth more than ten times the cost of gold. It was used as a fixative in perfumes, and was the only option then.

Raw Ambergris

However, due to its inconsistent and unreliable availability, industrialists managed to find an alternative, and Ambergris was dethroned by its synthetic successor, Ambroxan. Now a days, Ambroxan is the most widely used fixative, and is cheaply available for perfumery. Although demand for Ambergris is still not quite exhausted since it has other uses in medicine, its worth less than a shoelace now for the perfume industry. It is now a mere byproduct of the whaling industry, and expeditions for locating graveyards have gone extinct lately.

In those days when Ambergris was treasure, traders accumulated gargantuan amounts of ambergris by spending millions of dollars for sake of long term investments. As of now, their investments are just a pile of dirt.

Oil is more widely used and produced than Ambergris. But I believe it is a matter of time when we finally replace it with better and cheaper substitute. There are a lot of problems of course.

Already airplanes powered by solar energy have taken successful flights around the world (although so far they are unmanned), and hovercrafts running on car batteries are beginning to provide better average than the traditional scooter (but for the speed). But when the breakthrough does happen, it would only take an year before the middle east barons would be brought crashing down to bite dust, and all those magnanimous palaces of theirs, with all their grandeur will be auctioned off on ebay.

To those who think it would not happen, I'd like to speak of a Ducktales episode I watched back in school : "Gyro invents a time machine, which is shaped like a helicopter and can fly too. Bubba, uses the time machine to go back in time to find Scrooge. And then back in the medieval time, a prince is pasting bird feathers to his body, while his father, the King, tries desperately to explain to him that man can never fly. Just about that moment, Bubba appears in the medieval time period with his flying time machine and calls out 'Scrooge, Scrooge' from the sky. And then goes flys away. Then the King and the prince both notice him, and the king immediately begins helping his son to paste more feathers to his body to assist him in his quest for flying."

World's largest oil rig in Rio De Janeiro, sinking down. The eventual fate of every other oil rig.