Friday, September 4, 2009

The popular Hindi movie brand : Mithun

For those of you who haven't heard of Mithun Chakraborty, he is a film actor/ action hero who has produced and acted in films meant for those people whose skulls have cobwebs inside. Despite making totally senseless, cheap and embarrassing imagination based films, he is very popular among the rural folk of India. The action scenes in his movies defy all the laws of physics of this planet (as well as any other planet).

He is equivalent to Chuck Norris of Hollywood. Most of his stories are typical. But the reason he remains my favorite actor is, that unlike other top Indian movie makers who use innovative idea and spend millions on new films, this guy just exploits the poor film taste of majority of rural Indian population, and banks in on all their wealth with his inane movies, and earns more than many other prominent film makers. This post offers you an insight into 'his type' of movies, as well as the sorry state of film industry in India due to the nature of brainless viewers.

Mithun may have been a protagonist of 400 films according to you. But after a little research you may notice that each of those flops cost him about 50 lacs (500 thousand) in making, while his sale all over India was about 1 core. That's 50 lac net profit per film. No wonder he didn't stop making any more. But that the way it has been with Indian cinema, when more than half the viewers are from rural terrain. He earns less on one film compared to other big movie makers, but those guys make one film in each year while he makes 20.

Mithun Chakraborty in one of his hits films. From his appearance you can imagine what a film this would be. But considering it was a super hit, just try to imagine what kind of audience India has.

Which goes to say that the films are made for their taste, and not for art, creativity, or for people who bother to read my blog, and even for those who don't. In any case its much easier to satisfy their taste when one follows a certain specific rules, and then any motherfucker can mint gold out of an average Hindi movie. This is how it works :

Rule 1:

There are only three kinds of police officers in India : The commissioner of Mumbai, the Inspector, and the Havildar.

The commissioner of Mumbai is a God of all police force in any part of the country, and is necessarily known as 'Anupam Kher' (type cast actor) in real life, and no being is superior to him. He even looks after the entire defense forces of the country. To be eligible for the post of the commissioner, you need one and only one, very good looking daughter, who must be a virgin, and must have completed education from US.

The inspector is the next rank after the commissioner, and is most often a young man, with one widowed mother(though not necessary). He spearheads and entire operation, right from gathering intelligence, planning, and executing commando ops, fucking the commissioner's daughter, and he has to do that all alone with a single 6mm pistol(which of course as unlimited bullet supply), although except on very rare occasions he may use a Carbon Sub-Machine gun, which however cannot be issued to him directly by the police, and he must snatch it from an ill trained thug.

The havildar (private) is virtually no one, and is prohibited from using hand guns, and must resort only to sticks. He mostly does the peon work.

Rule 2:

If you don't want your movie to be a total flop, you must feature Jonny Lever (a prominent ut silly comedian overused in many Indian movies) in the film, for cheap comedy scenes. Unless of course its a Govinda film. In that case it will be a total flop nevertheless. (Govinda is a well known actor in Indian cinema industry whose films are very popular among all the convicted prisoners in the country, and they are one of the top entertainment means in prisons)

Rule 3:

Your film must have songs, and those must necessarily be highly embarrassing for viewers to listen and watch. All of them must be sung by Lata Mangeshkar (a stereotyped singer), and other idiots. Dances are compulsory and there must be at least one sequence shot in Canada or New Zealand. Otherwise your movie will be flop. Unless of course if it is a Govinda movie. Then it will be a flop anyway.

Rule 4:

If you sign Govinda for your film, it will be a big flop no matter what you do. But in case you happen to sign Mithun along with Govinda, then you can cheer. Because you will at least earn 50 lacs from Mithun's fan club no matter what you include in your films.

Rule 5:

There is no such thing as sex in a Hindi movie. In any case, if you want to include sex, then you must substitute the sex scene by a stupid song. Sex is reserved only for Hollywood products.

Rule 6:

In Chinese kung fu movies, people jump from the 10th floor of a building to the 1st floor. In Indian movies, people jump for 1st floor to 10th floor.

Rule 7:

There is one and only one way to escape from a prison cell. Start a fight with your cell mate. The cop will open the cell door and come inside. After that, Bingo! You overpower him with one smack. Get out of the cell and over power all the other guards, since they are all Havildars. Havildars are very easy to overpower. They are just cosmetic cops. Then you steal a prison vehicle and flee.

Rule 8:

There must be a rescue sequence in the film, where the protagonist rescues the heroine. You see, without a rescue sequence there can be no love between the two, and it would be a flop film to begin with. But indeed, if it is a Mithun film, you needn't worry about love, as the girls will already be in love with you even before the movie begins.

Rule 9.

Cops always arrive in the end, after the protagonist has silenced all criminals. But in case you forget that and cops arrive in time, they must inevitably die at the hands of bad guys. Don't worry though, since cops most are Havildars, and hence very easy to kill.

That's about all I think. As for the rest of the matter in the film, you can put fill any crap. If you film follows these rules it will be a hit for sure. However, if you substitute any or all of these rules for Mithun Chakraborty in your film, it will be a super hit. And that is irrelevant of the role Mithun plays in the film. He can be anyone, the protagonist, side hero, side kick or he may prefer playing the father of the heroine, or even the heroine herself.


Anonymous said...

you have unnecessary annoyed name of some great people like Lata Mangeshkar
please listen some classic songs i am sure you will change your opinion

Sandeep said...

very nice representation. You ahve nailed it right on the head. The indian junta is severely handicapped with respects to imagination. most people desire a masala flick. in all this shit, we have lost the essence of cinema as a tool to actually get a message across. even the directors seem to lack this basic understanding that if you make a film that actually touches a cord with the general public, you will get a hit. But the amin problem lies with the indian public who seem to be contend to sit their asses in front of cinema screens which show them what they want, how they want....
its a sad commentary in itself....

Anonymous said...

nice post.
i dont like mithun chakravarty at all, his movies are all rubbish....i share my b'day wid him, that makes me feel awful......

Anonymous said...
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