The popular Hindi movie brand : Mithun

For those of you who haven't heard of Mithun Chakraborty, he is a film actor/ action hero who has produced and acted in films meant for those people whose skulls have cobwebs inside. Despite making totally senseless, cheap and embarrassing imagination based films, he is very popular among the rural folk of India. The action scenes in his movies defy all the laws of physics of this planet (as well as any other planet).

He is equivalent to Chuck Norris of Hollywood. Most of his stories are typical. But the reason he remains my favorite actor is, that unlike other top Indian movie makers who use innovative idea and spend millions on new films, this guy just exploits the poor film taste of majority of rural Indian population, and banks in on all their wealth with his inane movies, and earns more than many other prominent film makers. This post offers you an insight into 'his type' of movies, as well as the sorry state of film industry in India due to the nature of brainless viewers.

Mithun may have been a protagonist of 400 films according to you. But after a little research you may notice that each of those flops cost him about 50 lacs (500 thousand) in making, while his sale all over India was about 1 core. That's 50 lac net profit per film. No wonder he didn't stop making any more. But that the way it has been with Indian cinema, when more than half the viewers are from rural terrain. He earns less on one film compared to other big movie makers, but those guys make one film in each year while he makes 20.

Mithun Chakraborty in one of his hits films. From his appearance you can imagine what a film this would be. But considering it was a super hit, just try to imagine what kind of audience India has.




Which goes to say that the films are made for their taste, and not for art, creativity, or for people who bother to read my blog, and even for those who don't. In any case its much easier to satisfy their taste when one follows a certain specific rules, and then any motherfucker can mint gold out of an average Hindi movie. This is how it works :

Rule 1:

There are only three kinds of police officers in India : The commissioner of Mumbai, the Inspector, and the Havildar.

The commissioner of Mumbai is a God of all police force in any part of the country, and is necessarily known as 'Anupam Kher' (type cast actor) in real life, and no being is superior to him. He even looks after the entire defense forces of the country. To be eligible for the post of the commissioner, you need one and only one, very good looking daughter, who must be a virgin, and must have completed education from US.

The inspector is the next rank after the commissioner, and is most often a young man, with one widowed mother(though not necessary). He spearheads and entire operation, right from gathering intelligence, planning, and executing commando ops, fucking the commissioner's daughter, and he has to do that all alone with a single 6mm pistol(which of course as unlimited bullet supply), although except on very rare occasions he may use a Carbon Sub-Machine gun, which however cannot be issued to him directly by the police, and he must snatch it from an ill trained thug.

The havildar (private) is virtually no one, and is prohibited from using hand guns, and must resort only to sticks. He mostly does the peon work.

Rule 2:

If you don't want your movie to be a total flop, you must feature Jonny Lever (a prominent ut silly comedian overused in many Indian movies) in the film, for cheap comedy scenes. Unless of course its a Govinda film. In that case it will be a total flop nevertheless. (Govinda is a well known actor in Indian cinema industry whose films are very popular among all the convicted prisoners in the country, and they are one of the top entertainment means in prisons)

Rule 3:

Your film must have songs, and those must necessarily be highly embarrassing for viewers to listen and watch. All of them must be sung by Lata Mangeshkar (a stereotyped singer), and other idiots. Dances are compulsory and there must be at least one sequence shot in Canada or New Zealand. Otherwise your movie will be flop. Unless of course if it is a Govinda movie. Then it will be a flop anyway.

Rule 4:

If you sign Govinda for your film, it will be a big flop no matter what you do. But in case you happen to sign Mithun along with Govinda, then you can cheer. Because you will at least earn 50 lacs from Mithun's fan club no matter what you include in your films.

Rule 5:

There is no such thing as sex in a Hindi movie. In any case, if you want to include sex, then you must substitute the sex scene by a stupid song. Sex is reserved only for Hollywood products.


Rule 6:

In Chinese kung fu movies, people jump from the 10th floor of a building to the 1st floor. In Indian movies, people jump for 1st floor to 10th floor.


Rule 7:

There is one and only one way to escape from a prison cell. Start a fight with your cell mate. The cop will open the cell door and come inside. After that, Bingo! You overpower him with one smack. Get out of the cell and over power all the other guards, since they are all Havildars. Havildars are very easy to overpower. They are just cosmetic cops. Then you steal a prison vehicle and flee.


Rule 8:

There must be a rescue sequence in the film, where the protagonist rescues the heroine. You see, without a rescue sequence there can be no love between the two, and it would be a flop film to begin with. But indeed, if it is a Mithun film, you needn't worry about love, as the girls will already be in love with you even before the movie begins.


Rule 9.

Cops always arrive in the end, after the protagonist has silenced all criminals. But in case you forget that and cops arrive in time, they must inevitably die at the hands of bad guys. Don't worry though, since cops most are Havildars, and hence very easy to kill.


That's about all I think. As for the rest of the matter in the film, you can put fill any crap. If you film follows these rules it will be a hit for sure. However, if you substitute any or all of these rules for Mithun Chakraborty in your film, it will be a super hit. And that is irrelevant of the role Mithun plays in the film. He can be anyone, the protagonist, side hero, side kick or he may prefer playing the father of the heroine, or even the heroine herself.

The ravages of time

Few years back I tried to read Sun Tzu's 'Art of war'. I lost interest soon after few pages then and didn't bother to finish it. The book was dry then. It was as if I was running through an
instruction manual for a person who has bought a large army on Sunday evening sale and is planning to go at war next morning. I suppose when translated to English all the idioms and one liners (which may sound like a good composition in Chinese) lose their substance. I found the book quite hopeless. Since two years, my opinion remained unscathed and unaltered... until last weekend.

After looking for some new novel to read I was browsing the blogging community for satisfactory recommendations on which book to read. As ever, my favorite genre has been history. I was searching for history and literature when accidentally I stumbled across a blog owned by some American Manga enthusiast. He was encouraging Chinese history aficionados to read a certain Manga(comics) online. I decided to take a peek at the particular Manga. Although Naruto is my favorite, I wasn't exactly in a mood to pick a Manga for reading as a substitute for a history novel.

But nevertheless I went to the link out of curiosity. After reading the first chapter, I went one to read all the volumes in one week. It wasn't just some stupid manga, but rather a historical epic based on chinese history, and most importantly Sun Tzu's Art of War and its practical approach utilized by ancient chinese warlords in crafting havoc. I know all about people's perspective about Mangas. Most of them are based on fantasies and science fiction. However, unlike the traditional Manga this particular one was worth an year of history lessons in school.

The Ravages of time

The story is a spin off based on the events during the Three Kingdoms period in ancient China, when the Han dynasty was at the stage of culmination, narrowly clinging on to power. Three
kingdoms(Wei, Shu and Wu) distinctly surfaced to dominion out of the chaos of civil war which batterd the land. The story describes all the major battles during the times. Battles fought with
unparalleled deception and trickery rather than sheer strength, enriched with stratagem of superhuman subtlety. In those times, most of the successful generals followed Sun Tzu teachings on war tactics, which could all be summed up into a one liner... 'Let your enemies know your next move'.



The manga depicts all the prominent characters in history, like Dong Zhao, who appears in the story as a power hungry tyrant at the helm of the declining Han Dynasty; Lu Bu, the bloodthirsty warrior whose fame is analogous to the Greek Achilles; Lui Bei, a common thief who becomes a governor, and of course, Cao Cao who ultimately puts a full stop to Han Dynasty. The yellow scarf rebellion and Gaundong army's advance are wonderfully depicted in pictures. Even the burning of Luoyang (the Chinese capital) is employed by the author to shape the events in style.

However, rather than a straightforward storyline, the tale describes the events from the perspective of the primary protagonist, Sima Li, the head of the Sima clan and one of the key
players in the three kingdoms period (who eventually established his rule over the kingdom of Wei), and Liaoyuan Hou (a military general) who is portrayed in the Manga as a leader of an
assassination team working for the Sima clan.

Sima Li is an ultimate tactician and businessman who, through the means of Hou and his team of assassins, deliberately interferes in the plans of both Han dynasty and Guandong army by masterminding assassinations, setting up prisoner escapes, and surprise attacks to bring about a deus ex machina in major battles which ultimately serves the purpose of the Sima family's business in trading commodities across the country. By his machinations, Sima clan accrues vast fortunes.



Sima Li and Liaoyuan Hou



The story begins with an artistic scheme for the assassination of Xu Lin (Han dynasty's chief military adviser) to cut the advances of Dong Zhao's expansionist policy. The assassination itself is accomplished at the hands of Huo and his assassins. It sets the entire story in motion and war follows. Throughout the series, Sima Yi and Liaoyuan Huo along with his assassins are frequently the catalyst of the historical events presented in the story. They are involved in the downfall of Dong Zhuo, Cao Cao's rise to power, Battle of Xu Zhou, Battle of Puyang, etc. Their involvement it a common thread which runs through the narrative.

Liaoyuan Huo and his party of assassins


Although the primary subject is war, the story focuses on minor intelligence plots and assassination strategies. It describes all those subtle details and little events which bear a major impact on the outcome of battles. Sun Tzu's art of war is throughly applied in the manga in major battles with each verse being employed in some or the other chapter and explained accordingly. Its a must read for war history enthusiasts.


To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.

Sun-Tzu

Coconuts

We know that some superhero movies based on comics suck like anything. I mean If you have watched The Hulk and Superman, you would know what crap I am talking. Nevertheless, compared to superhero films from Indian cinema , they seem to be quite something. It not that they aren’t a sample of poor imagination, but just that their Indian counterparts are worst in terms of creativity.

Almost 99% of the stunts and the concept in Indian film are copies. For example, Krishh, India’s first modern day superhero film, and a super-hit one as well. The concept is copied from Ben Affleck's Paycheck, and they have given the protagonist some superpowers to combat his opponents, to turn it into a superhero movie. And of course they have added the regular ‘masala’ or spice, which a common term for hindi movie contents like songs (where people dance to convey how stupid they are), along with a love story (without which the film won’t attract any viewers, though I don’t know why the viewers in India are so shy so as to cull sex scenes, if they a make much ado about love stories).

The only genuine part of Krishh was the way in which the Superhero does his super-stuff. This guy doesn’t cast webs like Spiderman or fly straightway like Superman. He rides an invisible bicycle in air, or perhaps he can fly, but he thinks, he looks cool by pretending to ride an invisible bicycle while flying. Such a piece of shit was a box office hit in India. In other words, you get the idea that a man can sell any junk in this country.

To show you the limits of such bullshit, I’ll write this post, to tell you about a famous comic series sold in north Indian markets which a stumbled upon this week.

The comic series is called ‘Nagraj’. Nagraj is a name for our superhero. The name Nagraj, Literally translated into English is ‘Snake-king’ (Sanskrit: Naag – Snake, Raj – reign). This is India most popular comic series. I must admit, the author of this series has some balls. This is the worst kind of imagination and lack of creativity I have witnessed.

Here is the trivia: (All the information given below is obtained from ‘Nagraj’ website)

1. According to legends his other powers evolved when he was treated with ashes of a dead ichchhadhaari(wish holding*) snake. In hindu mythology, Icchadari snake is a person who after 1000 years of living in a cursed state in form of some rock, is released back into the world. In reality the fact was that Nagraj was much more poisonous than any species of snakes because his venom was celestial.

My comments:

This part is understandable. every superhero needs some kind of story for his supernatural origin. Over here the author has written the story based on hindu mythology, an obvious choice for reasoning for sake of harnessing the super powers. I mean, when you mention the word celestial, no scientific explanation is needed, which relieves you the trouble of explaining all the chemistry, physics and radioactive mumbo jumbo. You get straight to the business, i.e. fighting criminals.

2. Nagraj has a number of powers like superhuman strength, poisonous breath (vish-foonkaar) and bite, instant healing powers and of course, snakes who come out of his wrists separately or make interesting shapes like ropes, parachutes and many other depending on his imagination. (Note : poisonous breath is enemy specific, i.e. it only hurts his opponents)

My comments:

Superhuman strength is the foundation of a superhero, most of the superheroes have it.

The next is the ‘enemy specific poisonous breath’. Obviously, one can find it difficult to comprehend that, when you exhale poisonous air out of your nostrils, how can it be enemy specific at all. But such doubts are answered when they mention that his power are celestial, i.e. no scientific explanation is needed for those who believe in god. For those who don’t believe in God, please read the bible for clarification.

Poisonous bite follows from his name itself, ‘Snake-king’. I mean, there’s no point calling a person 'snake-king' if his bite isn’t poisonous.

Snakes who come out of his hand and make ‘interesting’ shapes like ropes (as if they aren’t shaped like ropes already, gimme a break) and parachutes . Snakes forming a parachute(what bullshit?) – yeah I know exactly what you are thinking. How annoyingly interesting can you get!

3. He is a superhero blessed with the powers of snakes. Millions of snakes reside inside his body, in micro-form. Weapons do no harm him as his micro-snakes instantly heal the wounds.

My comments:

Snakes residing inside his body in micro form. This is no surprise. I am sure there must be millions of body cells in a normal human body which look like microscopic snakes, for example, the sperms. Yeah, to have sperms which can heal your wounds, now that something.

4. Over the years Nagraj became powerful enough not only to pick up falling cars singlehandedly but also achieved feats like throwing things in outer space quite effortlessly.

My comments:

Throwing things in outer space quite effortlessly (here ‘things’ necessarily imply everything) –

I really can’t think of any comments. I mean the author has taken all precautions to make sure that no superhero from any other comic (Indian or Foreign) edition can ever weigh up to this guy.

And what the hell is a falling car? I have never seen one.

5. It is notable, and perhaps ironic, that Nagraj has now been transformed into a mythical-magical creature facing fantastical creatures as his enemies, with elements of sorcery/magic and even time and space travel.

My comments :

Oh yes it is ironic. And not just this part. In case the author didn’t notice, the whole thing sounds ironic to me, right from the beginning of his nutcase storyline based on hindu mythology.

6. Powerful snake friends live inside his body, who also posses superpowers.

Saudangi : Friend-lives in his body

Sheetnag kumar : Friend-lives in his body

Naagu : Friend-lives in his body

My comments:

Living inside his body is okay(remember he is a celestial being). Why the hell does he need powerful friends anyway when he can easily toss things out in space.

The whole point in creating this comic is, to make sure that in every hypothetical situation, wherein criminals do their evil activity, Nagraj must always have some or the other superpower to combat them in not more than three pages in a single comic issue. That way you can include lot of different criminals and variety of plots in a single issue of 30-40 pages.

My word to the author : I congratulate you on successfully exploiting and harnessing the poor IQ of Indian population. Making money effortlessly is definitely more appetizing prospect, than throwing things effortlessly into outer space.

My word to the readers and fans of Nagraj: Fuck you idiots, and fuck your intellect. Can’t believe you fall for such pigeon excreta like ‘Nagraj’.

Lines

One of the prime features that a good film or cartoon (or even sometimes a bad one) offers us, and a feature which a good deal of the people although appreciate, seldom consider it consequential enough in wholesome entertain, is the one-liners or punchlines. Witty remarks that could otherwise have impressed a panel of interviewers if not used already in the film, not only catch our attention but also add flavour to the scene, if not anything else. The one line satire may be hardly helpful in reviewing the film, but it definitely is loads better than lousy sardar and blonde jokes. Along with them we do have a lot of occasional jokes and punchlines to make films and cartoons worth watching. Here is a list of all my favourite punchlines(as far as i can remember; there may be more but just can't recall them all right now). You are free to add ones that I have missed. The dialogues may be different in words in movies actually, as I am writing them down from sheer memory. Spare any mistakes.

1. The Cliffhanger
A group of criminals are on a plane which has no pilots and is about to crash. One of their member is badly injured by a bullet hit. When the plane is losing altitude in is about to fall in rocky mountains, another gang member asks the leader,"What do we do about him? He is not gonna make it"
Just when the plane is nearing the crash the boss replies, "How about taking him to a hospital".

2. Jingle all the way
When Arnold Schwarzenegger is mistaken for the Turbo man actor, and as is being dressed up, he notices Turbo man's comarade 'Booster' already in his costume, and says," Hey I know you. you're Booster".
And Booster replies,"Oh yeah. And who the hell do you think you are. Mary Poppins?"

3. A few good men
When Tom Cruise compells Jack Nicholson to confess his crime in front of the jury, and as Nicholson is being taken in custody, he says," You fucking people. You don't know how to defend a country. You put peoples' lives in danger. Sweet dreams son."
Cruise replies," Don't call me son, you son-of-a-bitch"

4. I can't really remember the name of the movie, which I viewed long time back on HBO. But it was based on a group of aliens who after bieng stranded on earth, decide to live alongside other humans, expecting to pass a humans. They look just like humans except their elongated and tapering heads, and they also have a ridiculously high IQ. When the alien female goes shopping in a mall with her human neighbour, and while having a chat, her neighbor tells her, referring to her own husband, "Men are really pigs."
The alien female says," Pig? You mean a domesticated animal which excretes the same place where it consumes?"

5. Shrek 2
Shrek wakes up to find himself in human form, and realizes that he needs to kiss 'his true love' before midnight if the change is to be made permanent. But a group of three horny girls surround him, and try to seduce him.
First girl : I'll be your true love.
Second girl : No, I'll be you true love.
Third girl : No, I'll be your true love....umm...true enough.

6. Eurotrip
a) Jamie is excited about his forthcoming trip to Europe with is twin sister, and tells Cooper, "...I can hardly wait. We have already packed. You wanna see my artillery?"
Cooper spontaneously replies, "You wanna see my balls?"

b) Cooper notices Candy sitting nude inside the swimming pool, and takes a dive in the pool. The girl is taken aback by his sudden appearance, ask him, "What are you doing here?"
Cooper says,"Oops, I guess this isn't where I parked my car"

7. Pirates of the Carribean, the legend of the black pearl
Johnny Depp is imprisoned along with other pirates, when the pirate ship Black Pearl attacks the harbour. Other prisoners are frightened and say,"Its the black pearl. Stories say it leaves no survivors."
Depp replies,"No survivors! Where do the stories come from, I wonder."

8. Tea with Mussolini
This scene is not exactly funny, but rather, emotional in the way things turned out. The film is based in an era just before the second world war. When Mussolini and Hitler begin their mutual friendship, and two powerful nations form an leviathan coalition, the Englanders living in Italy suffer. Although the Italian have no feud whatsoever with the English families settled in Italy, they realize that its only a matter of years before Italy would be drawn in a war with England. And so just to be cautious of the secret service they citizens of Italy begin distancing themselves with their English friends.
A rich Italian businessman fires his personal assistant, and says that he is sorry to do so, but is compelled due to the way things had gone. Realizing the truth in his words,the Englishwoman leaves without arguing. Just as she is leaving he says to her,"Don't go back to England. Instead move to USA. The way I see it, England is finished. In a few years probably, England would cease to exist."
The English woman says, " I wouldn't be too sure of that".

9. The Island
Evan McGregor is a clone who is brought up in a facility owned by a company which manufactures clones of rich people for medical replacements.Which goes to say, he doesn't know anything about the world we live in, neither the human civilization. He has no proper education either.
Once, while talking to Steve Buschemi, who is a worker at the facility, Buschemi mentions the word 'God'. And McGregor ask him, "What is God?"
Buschemi replies,"Oh god... you know, when you want something very badly, and you close your eyes and wish that you would get it... God is the guy who ignores you"

These are all I can think of at the moment. There may be many more of course. Perhaps you can help me remember.

The Agony of Defeat

The worst times in Europe since Joe Fagan and Gerrard Houllier



Defeat is not that difficult to accept when you never look to be in a winning position. I have never felt any sympathy to a losing team when they play in horrendous manner. But after watching last night's dramatic semifinal against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, when Liverpool finally broke the goal scoring jinx at Chelsea's home, it was really very frustrating to watch them lose in such a manner. Moreover it was their first semifinal defeat in any competition under Rafa Benitez, and their first in European Competition after 43 years. They had never lost a Semi ever since Bob Paisley took over the management.

The reason I can't help sympathizing with players is because the clubs problems run deeper, from management to the board. Since the last 16 years, despite delivering few world class performances, the most successful club in Europe had achieved a little silverware. This year was supposed to be the year for Liverpool. Everything looked perfect at the beginning. With new owners investing over 100 million pounds, and Fernando Torres' arrival, Benitez had planned it perfectly. And then problems started emerging. First with Daniel Agger, the key central defender grabbing up a long term injury, and 34 year old Sami Hyppia was the only choice left for his replacement. Then Andriy Voronin joining the list of injured players. Just when the club finally adjusted to these hurdles, Dirk Kuyt's father expired, and the striker lost his form, and killer instinct. The public spat with owners and Benitez added fuel to the fire. To make matters worse in the next year, DIC made an unsolicited bid to buy the club, resulting in complete breakdown of unity in the Liverpool board room. Fans accuse Tom Hicks of mishandling the club.

People see Hicks as the person who brought down the club. The latest uproar among Liverpool fans was when he asked Rick Parry, the club president to resign. This enraged the fans. Hicks also put the club in heavy debts for construction of the stadium. All these moves clearly made him unpopular, especially with the House of Lords interfering in club affairs.

But in my opinion Tom Hicks has been quite reasonable in his approach to the club. He couldn't possibly have sanctioned more transfer expenditure for the club, when Liverpool was on the brink of being knocked out in the group stages. The new stadium is a necessity. The current capacity is around 40,000 as compared to the Emirates Stadium of Arsenal which can hold over 80,000. This itself justifies the debt on the club. Moreover Hicks has been quite credible to ask Rick Parry for resignation. Ever since Parry has been at the helm of the club, Liverpool haven't achieved any significant victory. Parry's relations with Rafa Benitez are marked with consistent ups and downs. The club has only 4 major sponsors, where they should have had around 15. And despite having millions of fans in Asia, the club has no activity in the region. The share prices of Liverpool on stock market listings is quite average compared to other European clubs like Internazionale and Real Madrid. Unless these things are resolved it is quite difficult to return to the winning ways.
Tom Hicks - Liverpool co-owner


Even Rafael Benitez can't escape from the blame game. Benitez has hit out against a lot of players this year. The video he compiled involving Didier Droga and his gimmicks, did in fact enrage players in EPL. Not to mention his loathing for Ex-Chelsea boss Jose Murinho, which ran so deep that he couldn't help the abusive press conference when Murinho resigned. Benitez sure has a big mouth. While it may be true that he is a great tactician when it comes to European football, his attitude and reluctance to abandon his controversial 'Rotation policy' has cost the club over five seasons without a league win despite having a top notch squad. The 'rotation policy' has worked for him in Spain when he won two La Liga titles with Valencia. But he is too stubborn to adapted to the English game.

Though it should be noted that his record in EPL is quite remarkable compared to many other successful managers. The UCL in his first year, the FA cup in second year, and the League cup in third year, with this season to be the first trophyless year at Liverpool under Benitez's management, his record, speaks for itself. In fact, taking in account his past in La Liga, it will be after seven long years that he is finishing the season without any silverware. It is an illustrative record, for any football manager.

But after all, as the captain Steven Gerrard had said earlier this season, for a club like Liverpool, winning UCL and FA cup is definitely insatiable. With the future of the club heading into the unknown, it is difficult to predict where Liverpool is headed. Fans can't do more for the club apart from watching, as the American sporting giants and Sultan Makhtoum's men battle for power in the boardroom.

Yet the club has improved hundred folds since previous 14 years. Lately the club was a one-man team, with Steve McManhamon, and later Steven Gerrard doing the job of several players on field. Now there are two players doing that with Fernando Torres joining the ranks. The fans do hope young guns like Alex Cooper and Stephen Darby make it into the first team, next season. The predicted arrival of Aston Villa captain Gareth Barry will promisingly strengthen the midfield, along with Daniel Agger returning to the defensive department.

As said in the true-story based classic novel by Alexandre Dumas,

"Entire human wisdom can be summed up in three words, 'Wait and hope'."