Wish List

When I was young, there were a lot of things that would amuse me, making them desirable. Being unable to get that one thing, I used to keep a note about it on the back of my mind. After some time and effort I would certainly manage to procure it. But after having devoured it for some time, I would lose all my interest, with my conscience picking me that the thing I coveted wasn't worth all that attention. But that didn't stop me from being desirous of such other things. It would be a continuous cycle, and still is.

But all this while I have realized that I never really liked all those things I did seek desperately, and that it was just a whim to quench my curiosity. And maybe it is like that for everything else. Any act we wish to accomplish is sacred to us only as long as we don't conclude it. After having concluded our goal, we have no further value for that. We never cherish our success, but only enshrine the effort and pluck that goes behind the success. And after that we move on to a new one.

This is the reason why I am looking for such an design for a mark that would keep me occupied and working for the rest of my life. After having concluded it, I'll probably write a book on my efforts for it. Of course finding such a thing would take some time. But while I am at that I also have a wish list about things to do in life, just like those 'optional quests' in any video game for bonus points.

Its not that I care much about such things, but I'd like to have such exploits on my archive. Here is the list of all those....

1) Slap a cop on his face in public: And I am not talking about some low rank peon, but a high ass like a bureaucratic police officer. That's not all. I'd like to slap him and bring about such circumstances on him that he'd have no choice but to ignore my intrepidity, and let me get away with it.


2) Own a rodent Sanctuary: I'd like to build a rodent sanctuary and house all the different species of rodents there. Of all the animals, I am most fond of rodents (and weasel family mammals).


I'd also like to conduct research withing the sanctuary to enable rodents to interact with humans, and influence human lives the way computers do in the contemporary times. One should find a guinea pig or a hamster in every house.




3) Beat someone up with a Nunchaku: The only time I have seen a nunchaku combat is in the movies. This is unacceptable to me, and I want to do it myself.





4) Rescue Gilad Shalit: As much as I am emotional about him, I'd like to be the one to rescue him. In any case, I hope that he is rescued soon and pray for his safety and well being.


5) Throw up a toast of bread and make it fall the butter side up.





6) Catch a snake by it neck: I have already done it once, but that was in Haffkin's research institute, and I was wearing protective gloves at that time. I didn't get to feel the snake's skin. Well next time I want to do it in a jungle. I'd like to wrench a snake off the tree by his throat.


7) Learn Japanese: I know. This one is the most implausible of all my fantasies.





8) To learn punch a hole through a wall with bare fists: I heard it can be done if in case its a single brick layer wall, and if you manage to hit the right spot.






9) To hunt a Russian Tundra wolf: Hunting would be my favorite sport if I ever start with it. But I do want to start hunting one day. And after having hunted, I'd like to fry and eat the meat in a camp in the middle of a snowy forest.


10) Have a collection of my poems published and sold in book stores: Yeah this is again a difficult one. I have written many poems, but most of them are too childish to publish.

Tax Payer

Squeezed by taxes


In my country, India, majority, i.e. more than 50% of the population is poor. By poor, I don't mean that they face shortage of basic necessities, like the people in Africa but rather, they are poor compared to the standard of living in other countries. Since they enjoy majority, they always elect a government which favors them. The elected government however, rather than actually working towards the emancipation of poor, just creates a hallucination of hope for them, making them believe that the government is their own.

It is easy to befuddle and woo such illiterate men, and polarize their votes, by announcing reservations in jobs and colleges for the poor, making bombastic schemes for employment and declaring subsidies. The truth is, corrupt politicians never let the benefits of such schemes reach the poor.

And truly you can't expect them too. It is impossible to eradicate poverty in the world. Poverty is a part of life, and has existed since the origin of mankind. No government can make everyone rich. I agree that in some nations the poor enjoy many benefits and their standard of living is higher than their counterparts in poorer nations. But their better living standard is actually obtained at the expense of other nations. Moreover, I think the existence of poverty completes the home of mankind, as without poverty people can never enjoy being rich.

But the real victims of such cozening government attitude and cheap election tricks are not the poor but the bourgeoisie like me.

The government generates subsidies and provisions for the poor by taxing the middle and the higher class. And as usual, the upper class elites always have a way of evading taxes. The lower classes of society hardly have to pay any taxes, and no one gives a damn if they fail to pay. But we, the middle class always have to abide by the laws and pay for running the nation.

Although at first sight the population of educated working middle class seems like a modicum compared to the vast poorer section of the country, the truth is the middle class actually runs the country and its economy. There are several medium enterprises which control most of the inland economic setup, and also many middle classed professional form a large part of the industrial and clerical work force in the country. Exports and imports in the country are shaped by medium capital industrialists, and the nation thrives on their success.

Ironically, we are the most heavily taxed. Taxes are paid on every unimaginable details of our incomes and benefits. For small manufactures, taxes are to be paid at every level of the production processes. We pay it duly because of the tough enforcements on us.

And for all this, we get nothing in return and are made to hear that silly quote, 'ask not how your government fucks you up every time, but what you can do for your country'. The jobs are reserved for either the wealthy by their influence, or for the poor by the government, while the qualified middle classed youngsters have to struggle at every stage of their career.

Coincidentally, the middle class is responsible for a major chunk of government revenue. And even if we are discontented with the government, our votes don't matter because we are a minority, despite our best efforts to contribute for the nations wealth. This is one of the reason why democracy doesn't work in India, because a very few people actually know what's good for their nation, and poverty-stricken masses are easily swayed by mesmerizing political games.

One of the most obvious examples of tax injustice by the government is the 'Property assessment tax'. This is a duty charged by the government for living in a metropolitan city. The taxing is such that the one who starts living in the city has to pay duty on the residential area he owns. However, the tax to be paid is according to rates during the year of construction of your house. The earlier settlers and slum dweller have to pay something like Rs.5 every year, while those who have settled recently have to pay around Rs. 80,000 per year. This tax makes it harder for able men to start their own home in the city, and deprives them of a major portion of their income. The conditions of this itself tax are a joke.

As of now I am a tax payer, because of the tough regulations, but I plan to evade taxes in the later part of my career. The fact that I don't want to be a tax payer is because I don't want my hard earned income to go into the hands of some obese rural asshole who will spend it on third grade liquor at weekends. Its not that I don't love my nation. I am prepared to take a bullet to protect my countrymen as I have said in one of my earlier posts. But as far as the government is concerned, it does not protect the interests of people like me, and so I am obliged to protect my interests with a bit of selfishness and be intolerant towards the prejudice.




















Pain in the ass



...

The popular Hindi movie brand : Mithun

For those of you who haven't heard of Mithun Chakraborty, he is a film actor/ action hero who has produced and acted in films meant for those people whose skulls have cobwebs inside. Despite making totally senseless, cheap and embarrassing imagination based films, he is very popular among the rural folk of India. The action scenes in his movies defy all the laws of physics of this planet (as well as any other planet).

He is equivalent to Chuck Norris of Hollywood. Most of his stories are typical. But the reason he remains my favorite actor is, that unlike other top Indian movie makers who use innovative idea and spend millions on new films, this guy just exploits the poor film taste of majority of rural Indian population, and banks in on all their wealth with his inane movies, and earns more than many other prominent film makers. This post offers you an insight into 'his type' of movies, as well as the sorry state of film industry in India due to the nature of brainless viewers.

Mithun may have been a protagonist of 400 films according to you. But after a little research you may notice that each of those flops cost him about 50 lacs (500 thousand) in making, while his sale all over India was about 1 core. That's 50 lac net profit per film. No wonder he didn't stop making any more. But that the way it has been with Indian cinema, when more than half the viewers are from rural terrain. He earns less on one film compared to other big movie makers, but those guys make one film in each year while he makes 20.

Mithun Chakraborty in one of his hits films. From his appearance you can imagine what a film this would be. But considering it was a super hit, just try to imagine what kind of audience India has.




Which goes to say that the films are made for their taste, and not for art, creativity, or for people who bother to read my blog, and even for those who don't. In any case its much easier to satisfy their taste when one follows a certain specific rules, and then any motherfucker can mint gold out of an average Hindi movie. This is how it works :

Rule 1:

There are only three kinds of police officers in India : The commissioner of Mumbai, the Inspector, and the Havildar.

The commissioner of Mumbai is a God of all police force in any part of the country, and is necessarily known as 'Anupam Kher' (type cast actor) in real life, and no being is superior to him. He even looks after the entire defense forces of the country. To be eligible for the post of the commissioner, you need one and only one, very good looking daughter, who must be a virgin, and must have completed education from US.

The inspector is the next rank after the commissioner, and is most often a young man, with one widowed mother(though not necessary). He spearheads and entire operation, right from gathering intelligence, planning, and executing commando ops, fucking the commissioner's daughter, and he has to do that all alone with a single 6mm pistol(which of course as unlimited bullet supply), although except on very rare occasions he may use a Carbon Sub-Machine gun, which however cannot be issued to him directly by the police, and he must snatch it from an ill trained thug.

The havildar (private) is virtually no one, and is prohibited from using hand guns, and must resort only to sticks. He mostly does the peon work.

Rule 2:

If you don't want your movie to be a total flop, you must feature Jonny Lever (a prominent ut silly comedian overused in many Indian movies) in the film, for cheap comedy scenes. Unless of course its a Govinda film. In that case it will be a total flop nevertheless. (Govinda is a well known actor in Indian cinema industry whose films are very popular among all the convicted prisoners in the country, and they are one of the top entertainment means in prisons)

Rule 3:

Your film must have songs, and those must necessarily be highly embarrassing for viewers to listen and watch. All of them must be sung by Lata Mangeshkar (a stereotyped singer), and other idiots. Dances are compulsory and there must be at least one sequence shot in Canada or New Zealand. Otherwise your movie will be flop. Unless of course if it is a Govinda movie. Then it will be a flop anyway.

Rule 4:

If you sign Govinda for your film, it will be a big flop no matter what you do. But in case you happen to sign Mithun along with Govinda, then you can cheer. Because you will at least earn 50 lacs from Mithun's fan club no matter what you include in your films.

Rule 5:

There is no such thing as sex in a Hindi movie. In any case, if you want to include sex, then you must substitute the sex scene by a stupid song. Sex is reserved only for Hollywood products.


Rule 6:

In Chinese kung fu movies, people jump from the 10th floor of a building to the 1st floor. In Indian movies, people jump for 1st floor to 10th floor.


Rule 7:

There is one and only one way to escape from a prison cell. Start a fight with your cell mate. The cop will open the cell door and come inside. After that, Bingo! You overpower him with one smack. Get out of the cell and over power all the other guards, since they are all Havildars. Havildars are very easy to overpower. They are just cosmetic cops. Then you steal a prison vehicle and flee.


Rule 8:

There must be a rescue sequence in the film, where the protagonist rescues the heroine. You see, without a rescue sequence there can be no love between the two, and it would be a flop film to begin with. But indeed, if it is a Mithun film, you needn't worry about love, as the girls will already be in love with you even before the movie begins.


Rule 9.

Cops always arrive in the end, after the protagonist has silenced all criminals. But in case you forget that and cops arrive in time, they must inevitably die at the hands of bad guys. Don't worry though, since cops most are Havildars, and hence very easy to kill.


That's about all I think. As for the rest of the matter in the film, you can put fill any crap. If you film follows these rules it will be a hit for sure. However, if you substitute any or all of these rules for Mithun Chakraborty in your film, it will be a super hit. And that is irrelevant of the role Mithun plays in the film. He can be anyone, the protagonist, side hero, side kick or he may prefer playing the father of the heroine, or even the heroine herself.

Chinglish

I am a big enthusiast of foreign languages and I wish to learn and get fluent with as many popular languages as I can. So far I have only learned beginner level German and Spanish. Since being involved in the process of learning new languages for two years, I have realized the most common mistake people do when they learn languages. They try to learn all the new language by translating it, word by word, into their own native language. This is exactly the worst thing you could do to learn any language.

The reason is, all languages follow totally different rules for conjugations and have many concepts for which there is no direct or parallel analogy to any concept in your native tongue. For example, in English, the verb endings change only according to the tense and are independent of the gender of the subject. In my language, Marathi, the verb endings depend on both tense as well as gender. An Englishman, if ever endeavors to learn my language, will probably go nuts in trying to grasp all the verb endings, since there is no direct translation for it in English. (Among all languages, English has the most oversimplified rules for conjugations, which makes it very easy to learn compared to other languages)

The best way to learn any language is to start from scratch, just like you learned your own language in childhood. From actions and cues you try to grasp the meaning of words. Direct translation can have horrible effects, as often seen with Chinglish.

Chinglish is a word for "Chinese English". The Chinese language is a pictorial language. It has a different base. I have seen small English words which, when translated into Chinese become longer than a sentence, while sometimes a long sentence in English may have be relatively two or three characters long in Chinese translation. Obviously, as a Chinese guy if it try to translate all my sentences in English, word by word, it'd actually change the whole meaning.

And we altogether get a new language, 'Chinglish' which makes sense only for the Chinese. Chinglish is being employed by Chinese government and is ubiquitous now in all major cities. You can see all the signs and notices addressing you in Chinglish. Seriously, the Chinese really need a break. I mean these guys cant even hire some decent (or even average English speaking guy) to get all their language problems solved. They probably don't know how to use the internet.

Check out some of the funniest instances of Chinglish below.


Selling Butter























Okay! Maybe it is possible that the company isn't selling butter after all. But I think, what they actually mean to convey is, that their butter has such a delightful taste that, it is too good to be butter at all. Understandable, it is a typical advertisement cliche.

But then again, it appears to me, as a normal buyer, that they are trying to sell their product to people who are desperate for not buying butter. Obviously if I wanted to buy anything except butter, this product might be a good option for me. However, they again mention, 'unbelievable' on the package. It means we would find it difficult to believe that it is not butter. Then what the fuck is the point of buying it. Technically, as the product only says that it isn't butter, it can be anything, even marijuana. So we don't even know what we are buying in the first place. Plainly, only retards would buy such a product. Or maybe perhaps its a new marketing maneuver, where you're selling a random product by trying not to sell a specific product. Innovative idea. It must be an IBM product.



Frustration

























It's very subtle to comprehend, but I guess they mean, "Check the fixed price of goods". However, I have no idea where 'fuck' came in from. Maybe, its someone's idea of expressing frustration and disgust at the fixed price of goods, as it enjoins any kind of cost bargaining. I suppose in China, the customers are entitled to put up their own sign boards in shops.




Blow up




















For this one I just cannot imagine what they actually mean. Or it must probably be a secret message of some kind. Either way it doesnt make sense. I mean, what the hell are those toys doing in a shop like that?




Dont touch yourself


















I fail to understand whom this sign addresses. Definitely not pedestrians. Who would want to help the pedestrians touch themselves. Also I hope that, the 'us' in the sign refers to group of young ladies. Otherwise the sign wouldn't be worthwhile. The Chinese certainly have interesting volunteers for interesting activities. The 'try out' makes me further suspicious about what they are referring. But I am sure it must be something fun.




Electric shock




















That's a fine example of reverse psychology. If you try telling a stupid troublemaker not to do something, he would exactly do the opposite, just to annoy you. As a matter of fact a sign saying "Beware of an electric shock here", would get such a person killed de facto. Hence, they have put up this sign to make sure no one gets killed. Practical thinking.




Strange juice
























Perhaps, they earlier called the juice, 'poison' or 'snake venom'. But that must have scared away all the customers. So they probably decided to upgrade the name.




Drowning























I think they must have tried to say "Be careful or you may drown". Now however, it sounds as if they have tried to put that sign for those who come to that river (or whatever) to kill themselves or try to drown their companions. Indeed, if you try to drown yourself and others by making too much fuss, you may mess up your killing attempt as it would unnecessary draw public attention. Hence, they tell you to do it carefully, i.e. doing it quietly when no one is looking.




Lift





















I cant comprehend what they are actually trying to say. Or maybe they have put it the right way. I mean it could be a legitimate warning. One shouldnt use the lift if it catches fire. Although if you're in the lift when it catches fire, you'd be dead in no time. If you are not in the lift when it catches fire, I dont think you would be able to use it anymore. It is kind of obvious. But after all, many people lack common sense (especially the Chinese) and it'd helpful if they have given you basic instructions to save your ass.




Balls





















'No kicking of balls'. This is the key principle of Shaolin martial arts. The 'Groin kick' is an illegal move in Shaolin combat. It is also illegal in almost all types of martial arts, except Krav Maga. The Chinese do well to remind us their humble traditions.




And this one is way over my head
















The Chinese need some serious re-orientation on learning English.

The second Earth: Gliese 581 D

The planet is clearly getting small for us. With global warming and all the stuff on high lately, and the population snowballing every instant, the world has become a small place. It’d have been much fun to live in medieval ages, when travels and journeys across the globe took sensible and rational amount time and not a day or two. In earlier times, some people took delight in exploring new worlds and were they were known as explorers and adventurers. Now there is nothing left to explore. In other words, for people like them, the world has ended. So we just have to make our world bigger.

We can leave the earth and move on. But where do we go?

Terrestrial planets

It is my sincere belief that one day we will go on to live on other planets as well. Planets which support life, just as shown in Star trek. However, there are many limitations. Theoretically, life can exist anywhere, since life worms develop according to the atmosphere they are in, and learn to sustain in any habitat. However, it doesn’t mean human can do that. We canonically belong to earth and hence we can survive only in earth like environment. The closest any planet comes to have an earth like environment is Mars, where there isnt a drop of water. All the other planets are either gas giants, with no place to set your foot on, or they have ridiculous surface temperatures. In fact no planet in our solar system is habitable (except perhaps Mars, where it is possible to live in a Hub settlement).

For a planet to be habitable, it must satisfy certain criteria, i.e. it must lie with a habitable zone. Habitable zone is the relative location of a planet from and suitable energy source like a star, which would be ideal for habitation, and would be capable of supporting life( i.e. capable of providing water, rocky surface, atmosphere of suitable density, gravity, planetary rotation, and most importantly a star to provide the planet with energy). It is not to be confused to be planetary habitability, a term which refers to the intrinsic factors necessary to support a civilization.

If a planet lies within the habitable zone, it doesn’t mean that it would be like our earth. Rather, there would be a sound probability of that planet being able to support human settlement. It’s still a hypothetical assessment so far, but we have actually discovered two candidates for our next earths. Gliese 581 C and Gliese 581 D Both of these planets lie in the Libra constellation in the system of Gliese 581 star, which is a red dwarf.

Gliese 581 system lies 20 light years away from us. The planets Gliese 581 C and D both were initially thought to be under habitable zone. However, recently scientists have argued that 581 C would be just outside the habitable zone due to its proximity to the red dwarf. Gliese 581 D however, clearly is a habitable planet.

581 d is super-earth planet (planets with mass more than that of the earth, but less than 10 times that value) with mass nearly 8 times that of Earth. In late April 2009 new observations by the original discovery team concluded that the planet is within the habitable zone where liquid water, and therefore, life, could exist.

Earlier, scientist thought that the planet was too cold to support life. However, the same would be the case with earth, if it were not for the green house effect which contributes significantly to maintaining the proper temperature for us. Similarly, taking in account the speculated green house effect of 581 D’s atmosphere, it would support life.

Wikipedia - According to Stephan Udry, "581 d could be covered by a 'large and deep ocean'; it is the first serious Ocean planet candidate." Gliese 581 d is probably too massive to be made only of rocky material, but we can speculate that it is an icy planet that has migrated closer to the star.

Artist's impression of Gliese 581 D, the new earth

So maybe someday people would be blogging from 581 d, soon after we settle there (assuming that the planet isn’t already occupied by 'other worldly' people). Let us suppose that we start right now for that planet right now. (Helios is actually the fastest man-made space object at 70.2 km/s or 252,792 km/h.) This means at 20 light years it would take about 85,350 years to get there. Doesn’t sound realistic.Nevertheless I believe space travel will improve exponentially with time.

It’s still early to predict. But if you were to ask me if we humans would go to live in Libra constellation someday, I’d be willing to take my chances and place a bet. Remember, no matter how stupid it sounds, we eventually will have to ditch the Earth someday, when our sun will grow up to be a red giant, and burn us out if we stay. In fact, the increase in solar temperatures (10% after every billion years aprox.) is such that in about a billion years, the surface of the Earth will become too hot for liquid water to exist, ending all terrestrial life. Of course till then, perhaps even Gliese 581 D may not exist, but we still would have to leave this world if we want to live.

Here are some few comments from the public to the news article few years back when they first announced the discovery of the second earth.

“Yeah, but gravity is gonna be a bitch once you get there.... Don't take any women because they'll complain about the 50% increase in weight.”

“…gonna suck when we find out it blew up 19 years ago”

The ravages of time

Few years back I tried to read Sun Tzu's 'Art of war'. I lost interest soon after few pages then and didn't bother to finish it. The book was dry then. It was as if I was running through an
instruction manual for a person who has bought a large army on Sunday evening sale and is planning to go at war next morning. I suppose when translated to English all the idioms and one liners (which may sound like a good composition in Chinese) lose their substance. I found the book quite hopeless. Since two years, my opinion remained unscathed and unaltered... until last weekend.

After looking for some new novel to read I was browsing the blogging community for satisfactory recommendations on which book to read. As ever, my favorite genre has been history. I was searching for history and literature when accidentally I stumbled across a blog owned by some American Manga enthusiast. He was encouraging Chinese history aficionados to read a certain Manga(comics) online. I decided to take a peek at the particular Manga. Although Naruto is my favorite, I wasn't exactly in a mood to pick a Manga for reading as a substitute for a history novel.

But nevertheless I went to the link out of curiosity. After reading the first chapter, I went one to read all the volumes in one week. It wasn't just some stupid manga, but rather a historical epic based on chinese history, and most importantly Sun Tzu's Art of War and its practical approach utilized by ancient chinese warlords in crafting havoc. I know all about people's perspective about Mangas. Most of them are based on fantasies and science fiction. However, unlike the traditional Manga this particular one was worth an year of history lessons in school.

The Ravages of time

The story is a spin off based on the events during the Three Kingdoms period in ancient China, when the Han dynasty was at the stage of culmination, narrowly clinging on to power. Three
kingdoms(Wei, Shu and Wu) distinctly surfaced to dominion out of the chaos of civil war which batterd the land. The story describes all the major battles during the times. Battles fought with
unparalleled deception and trickery rather than sheer strength, enriched with stratagem of superhuman subtlety. In those times, most of the successful generals followed Sun Tzu teachings on war tactics, which could all be summed up into a one liner... 'Let your enemies know your next move'.



The manga depicts all the prominent characters in history, like Dong Zhao, who appears in the story as a power hungry tyrant at the helm of the declining Han Dynasty; Lu Bu, the bloodthirsty warrior whose fame is analogous to the Greek Achilles; Lui Bei, a common thief who becomes a governor, and of course, Cao Cao who ultimately puts a full stop to Han Dynasty. The yellow scarf rebellion and Gaundong army's advance are wonderfully depicted in pictures. Even the burning of Luoyang (the Chinese capital) is employed by the author to shape the events in style.

However, rather than a straightforward storyline, the tale describes the events from the perspective of the primary protagonist, Sima Li, the head of the Sima clan and one of the key
players in the three kingdoms period (who eventually established his rule over the kingdom of Wei), and Liaoyuan Hou (a military general) who is portrayed in the Manga as a leader of an
assassination team working for the Sima clan.

Sima Li is an ultimate tactician and businessman who, through the means of Hou and his team of assassins, deliberately interferes in the plans of both Han dynasty and Guandong army by masterminding assassinations, setting up prisoner escapes, and surprise attacks to bring about a deus ex machina in major battles which ultimately serves the purpose of the Sima family's business in trading commodities across the country. By his machinations, Sima clan accrues vast fortunes.



Sima Li and Liaoyuan Hou



The story begins with an artistic scheme for the assassination of Xu Lin (Han dynasty's chief military adviser) to cut the advances of Dong Zhao's expansionist policy. The assassination itself is accomplished at the hands of Huo and his assassins. It sets the entire story in motion and war follows. Throughout the series, Sima Yi and Liaoyuan Huo along with his assassins are frequently the catalyst of the historical events presented in the story. They are involved in the downfall of Dong Zhuo, Cao Cao's rise to power, Battle of Xu Zhou, Battle of Puyang, etc. Their involvement it a common thread which runs through the narrative.

Liaoyuan Huo and his party of assassins


Although the primary subject is war, the story focuses on minor intelligence plots and assassination strategies. It describes all those subtle details and little events which bear a major impact on the outcome of battles. Sun Tzu's art of war is throughly applied in the manga in major battles with each verse being employed in some or the other chapter and explained accordingly. Its a must read for war history enthusiasts.


To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.

Sun-Tzu

I pick up this list on someone's blog and I had to underline the things among these which I have done. So here is my list(only the underlined part)

1. Smoked before
2. Drunk alcohol before
3 Slept with someone the opposite sex.
4.Slept with someone the same sex.
5. Gotten into any fights with siblings
8. Kissed someone of the opposite sex
9. – underlines being a dick so i skip this question
10. Bought porn
11. Take drugs before medicine
12. Hate going to the doctor’s (nah, they make me better )
13. Lied to your parents
14. Lied to a friend back then
15. Snuck out of the house
16. Done something illegal.
17. Cut yourself
18. Hurt someone
19. Wished someone to die
20. Seen someone die
21. skippp
22. Stayed up all night
23. Eaten a carton of ice cream
24. Been to a therapist
25. Been to a rehab
26. Dyed your hair
27. Received a ticket
28. Been in a wreck
29. Been to a club
30. Been to a bar for the sake of gambling and drinking some stuff
31. Been to a wild party
32. Seen the Mardi Gras (whats that?)
33. Had a fight
34. Had a spring break
35. Sniffed anything
36. Wore black nail polish
37. Wore wristbands
38. Wore black eyeliner
40. Did not own a 50 cent cd
41. Hugged someone of the opposite sex
42. Hugged someone of the same sex
44. Gone out with someone of the opposite sex
45. Stole Something
46. Been too drunk to remember anything.
47. Blacked out
48. Fainted
49. Had a crush on your neighbour
51. Snuck into someone elses room.
52. Had a crush on someone of the same sex
53. Had gone and watched movies with friends
55. Been called a slut
56. Called someone a slut
57. Installed speakers in your car
58. Broke a mirror
61. Consider Mac, Dre, e40 or Mistah Fab your favorite rapper
62. Seen an R rated movie in theaters
63. Gone out with friends to the mall
64. Skipped school
65. Had an eating disorder
66. Had hurt yourself before
67. Gone to court
68. Walked out of a restaurant without paying
69. Caught something on fire
70. Lied about your age
71. Owned an apartment
72. Cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73. Cheated with someone
74. Got in trouble with the police
75. Talked to a stranger
76. Hugged a stranger
77. Kissed a stranger
78. Rode in the car with a stranger
80. Been verbally harassed
81. Met face to face with someone you met online
82. Stayed online for 12 hours
83. Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
84. Watched TV for 12 hours straight
85. Been to a fair?
86. Been called a bad influence
87. Cursed
88. Prank called someone
89. Laid in bad with someone of the opposite sex.
90. Cheated on a test
91. Cheated on homework
92. Held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93. Wanted to be dead before
94. Cut yourself before
95. Hate yourself sometimes
96. Had a crush on someone 10 years older than you
97. *NOT VALID* (?)
98. Worn eyeliner
99. Skinny dipped
100. Laughed at someone who was seriously hurt

Prerogative... not fundamental

An incredible thing happened today. Somehow it is connected to a larger subject shared by many of my fellow city residents. I am talking about the impudence of the auto rickshaw drivers of Mumbai city. The auto rickshaw drivers have made it a habit to 'pick' the fare as per their own convenience, i.e. whether going to that location would fetch them enough dough or not. Whenever there is an outstation train arriving, the auto-drivers will never let nearby passengers into their vehicle as they plan to target long distance fares for big bucks. Despite the fact that it is illegal to decline any person from hiring an auto for a ride, they still shamelessly refuse and brazenly break the law.

But more importantly, people let them defy the laws because most of the people are tolerant of such insolent attitude of the auto drivers. City residents, despite their vexation, just ignore this practice (like they do with many other anti-social activities).

So this is what happens...

I injured my right foot in Martial arts training. After emerging from a half an hour journey in the jam packed compartment of local train, I managed to limp my way to towards the auto rickshaw stand. I was really not up to walking all the way home (as I usually do). I tried to hire a Auto-rickshaw at rush hour. The results were obvious. The drivers declined. After some time I made up my mind and got into a vacant rickshaw and told him to take me home. They driver refused and asked me to get down.

I had no appetite for further tribulations on my foot, and I made up my mind to argue with this guy (argue over my fundamental right of an auto-fare) till I possible could. Maybe, I thought I could get lucky and this guy would agree to take me home after being irritated. To be honest, I am not much of guy to get into wordy fights, and I don't have the necessary skills need to argue in a high pitched voice.

But the auto driver was adamant, and in no mood to co operate. Just then a guy emerged from the crowd. From his face I could speculate that he had some fight at the office, and was not in the right frame of mind... not to mention the local train travel had already taken its toll on his calm. He looked as if he was seriously pissed. (Let us called him Mr. Joe) He too, like me, asked a couple of auto-drivers if they'd drop him home, and after being declined each time, noticed me arguing with my auto-driver. He soon realized what the apple of discord was. The next moment Mr. Joe is besides me in the auto-rickshaw. And he says to me, "Now look kid... this guy is gonna drop you at your place first and then take me home. Just watch."

The auto-driver had too much of an argument. He cut off his engine and folded his arms and replied in a defiant voice, "I ain't going anywhere". And then...

Mr. Joe got down the vehicle, and grabed the driver's collar with his left hand. At the same time he reached the ignition with his right arm and pulls of the auto-rickshaw keys. He then asked the driver for his license. The driver already at his limits, broadened his chest to counter Mr. Joe, and said, "Kya dadagiri hai?" (trying to bully me?)

And then Mr. Joe began. He uttered the worst kind of expletives from all corners of the country. And his voice articulation was just amazing, as if he was possessed by Hitler's spirit. In a overwhelmingly aggressive attitude, Mr. Joe censured the driver in public, accusing him of fraud, nuisance to public, thievery, torment to the city locals, and several other misdeeds. I expected the auto drivers around us to come to the defense of that driver, but they were too flabbergasted to get involved. The people waiting at the nearby bus stand also joined in the castigation, scaring off any possible reinforcements for the auto-driver. Even a bunch of cops who stood by the stand didnt dare interrupt Mr. Joe, such was his aggressive display of wrath.

The driver now, as if a mouse, started begging Mr. Joe to let him go. He wasn't worried about our destination now. All he cared for was his health. After some more threatening he was forced into the driver's seat by Mr. Joe, and ordered to start the auto. The guy did so unconditionally. I was going home finally.

The people who had joined the fight were delighted with the outcome, even though they had nothing to gain. I was pleased with myself for having ignited the whole thing.

I later thought about the whole thing and came to a conclusion. We cannot enjoy many of our basic rights, not because of culprits like that auto driver, but because either we are ignorant of their wrong doings or we dont have what it takes to claim our rights. To put it in better words, we citizen have fundamental rights, but on paper. Practically, only those who are up to the task of fighting for their own welfare are the ones who enjoy their citizenship. Not many people have this ability to be steadfast and stand up for what rightly belongs to them. Hence, these fundamental rights are in a real sense no at all fundamental but prerogative for the immovables (like Mr.Joe) who have the courage to face the culprits.


Now I have made up my mind to be ever antipathetic the notoriety of auto-drivers, and I wont be taking any shit from them again. I may not be able to put forth a performance like Mr. Joe did, but I wont stand down.

The best thing I could do about it...

The Istri-wala (the person who irons clothes) came home today with my 15 ironed clothes, to my utter surprise. I never have 15 clothes to iron in one day (He was looking at me with some kind of disgust). I opened the bag and to my embarrassment noticed how they were fifteen. There were 4 shirts and two pants as usual. But the reason why he had looked at me with disgust was... It also contained four of my underwear, two pair of socks and three boxers.


I realized later that it was me who handed him that bag yesterday. I suppose I must have absentmindedly put those underpants and socks in the bag.

IMAGINE! PAYING A PERSON TO IRON YOUR UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS!!! And the guy did have enough nerve to actually iron them and charge me for that, 2 bucks each.

What was my reaction? I was laughing my ass off for several minutes. I myself couldn't believe how such a miserable dullard I actually was. Though I must admit, I had a good time laughing about it, so it guess it was a good thing.

It reminded me of an old quote from the famous thriller, 'The eagle has landed' by Jack Higgins. The book depicts the story of one of the most satirical characters from Higgins' arsenal... Liam Devlin. Devlin is a Irish national who, by a series of complicated maneuvers faced while working for IRA ends up finally in Adolf Hitler special commando team. When asked by his fellow Germans about his life, he says...


"My life is a big joke... and so, I decided that the best thing I could do about it is laugh."

...

Krav Maga

After resorting to subterfuge in an attempt to get away from confronting muscles few weeks ago, I realized how weak I actually was. And that enlightened me on how ignorant I had been of many less endearing prospects in my life up till now, despite already knowing a handful I had been attributed with. It pissed me off big time and I still haven't been able to shake off the deep and lengthy hangover of that incident which brought out the coward in me. It was then that I decided to learn self defense. Easier said than done. My days in military school were not devoid of self defense training, and I knew very well that all the popular martial arts demanded a lot of time and dedication to be spend upon to get to the level where you can be confident of confronting most of the muscular obstacles you could possibly face. In fact six years to be precise. I don't have that kind of patience. Despite knowing that I did an online search for martial arts training in my area.

It was then that I learned that Martial arts had undergone a major shift in training since the last five years. Earlier martial arts were taught in specific styles like Judo, Kung fu, Juijutsu, Taekwondo, White Fujian Crane and many more, with each style having its own philosophy and jargon. Half the time in training was spent on something called 'Kanta', which pupils had to master if they wanted to progress to the next belt. 'Kanta' which literally translated means a dance, is a huge waste of time, and a sham on the part of trainers just to stress over the philosophy of that particular style. It is quite useless in real life self defense, and can take a lot of time to learn, even possibly consume more time than the actually training. Not to mention that each style had many perfectly valid but strictly forbidden moves which is a big disadvantage in real life scenarios... For example the infamous groin kick or testicle kick. And then there were stupid theory exams.

However lately, for the great and the good, people have had it with all the kantas nd shitty Japanese lexicon, like using 'Ich, ni, san shri.... yemei' instead of just using the words 'One, two, three... stop', just to sound cool. It the world of modern martial arts now. With pupil only being taught what is important, and movements and techniques borrowed from various styles together and fused together to train youngsters faster with 'kick ass' approach from trainers, it also includes training for all age groups. I was really convinced that I had to get started with it.

And then one of my friend told me of Krav Maga. An Israeli art of self defense, which perhaps in terms of its uses and efficiency is the world most efficient way to learn, practice, develop and implement in realistic scenarios in life. Krav Maga is Hebrew word for 'close combat'. Krav Maga is the official self defense technique for Israeli State police and defense forces, and lately its popularity is rising meteorically in the west. It includes a lot of dirty tricks and several moves which are illegal in other styles, but all of those moves are pertaining to real life scenarios. After reading more about it I just knew from within that there was no way I was gonna miss out on this.

IKMF Logo

And so I joined the Krav Maga coaching this weekend and had my first two training sessions. And here's the story...

Just as I had read, this definitely wasn't a kind of martial arts you could teach kids. The training involved a lot of exercises which have to sole purpose of draining your body of almost all your energy, pushing your stamina to your limits, until you can hardly stand on your feet. This isn't warm up. Its ten times more exertion than that. The exercise lead me to total physical exhaustion, although being a new comer, I was exhausted much earlier than the other members. After being exhausted you begin with the training. Unlike other techniques which make you spend a lot of days, and even months, in practicing and memorizing all the moves before facing actual combat, Krav Maga begins with combat right from day one, with different type of moves being taught while you are being continuously attacked from all sides.

Whats more? You train with your shoes on, since in real life scenarios, no one is going to take off their shoes before having a go at you. most of my training for the past two days revolved around fending off attacks from the offender for quite a while. But the one that got me was to defend yourself from attacks when in dip position (after a while your just cant stand the weight of your body being shifted from elbow to the other at a great speed). It was followed by conditioning exercises, which involves in letting you take the beating on different parts of your body to get the feel of being knocked. They called it 'conditioning your body to attacks'.


In brief, the last two days were very physical for me, and more so as I am not quite a gym follower. All the joint and muscles in my body are paining even as I write this post (aaow). But I feel a lot better from within now. The whole point of going through all the rough physical training is to make sure that you repeat the moves so many times in practice, that all those Krav Maga moves become second nature to you.

The environment there is quiet healthy, and those guys have all the necessary equipment for training. The fellow students of the IKMF(International Krav Maga Federation) are quite healthy looking guys, and quite experienced, considering they joined earlier than me, and probably all of them are elder to me. They are peple from various professions... soft engineers, traders, businessmen, etc.

Thankfully there are no good looking girls at IKMF, which is a big relief for me. Lately, due to my excessive sexual frustration, I have become a total pervert these days and the presence of attractive women would not only have made it harder for me to concentrate but would also have made me unnecessarily self-conscious.

The coach told me that it will take me a while(year or more) to be so proficient in Krav Maga so as to knock any goddamn opponent out for sure. But with two-three months of dedicated training, I can at least assure myself that I would never need to back down if I ever come across some broad chested muscular sonofabitch in my way. But once I feel confident enough to harness the art, I am most certainly going to experiment it.

I am going to provoke some random Bhaiyya (bihari), and then beat him up some day to test my skills. No offense meant for the bhojpuri community, and I have no sympathy for Raj Thackeray either. But the biharis must accept that some members of their community are indeed a nuisance to Mumbai, and deserve some good bit of punishment. They are a glutton for punishment. But the most important reason for my choice of biharis as my first guinea pig for trying out Krav Maga is that, one can safely assume that Bhaiyyas cant know any kind of self defense techniques or martial arts to counter me.

Coconuts

We know that some superhero movies based on comics suck like anything. I mean If you have watched The Hulk and Superman, you would know what crap I am talking. Nevertheless, compared to superhero films from Indian cinema , they seem to be quite something. It not that they aren’t a sample of poor imagination, but just that their Indian counterparts are worst in terms of creativity.

Almost 99% of the stunts and the concept in Indian film are copies. For example, Krishh, India’s first modern day superhero film, and a super-hit one as well. The concept is copied from Ben Affleck's Paycheck, and they have given the protagonist some superpowers to combat his opponents, to turn it into a superhero movie. And of course they have added the regular ‘masala’ or spice, which a common term for hindi movie contents like songs (where people dance to convey how stupid they are), along with a love story (without which the film won’t attract any viewers, though I don’t know why the viewers in India are so shy so as to cull sex scenes, if they a make much ado about love stories).

The only genuine part of Krishh was the way in which the Superhero does his super-stuff. This guy doesn’t cast webs like Spiderman or fly straightway like Superman. He rides an invisible bicycle in air, or perhaps he can fly, but he thinks, he looks cool by pretending to ride an invisible bicycle while flying. Such a piece of shit was a box office hit in India. In other words, you get the idea that a man can sell any junk in this country.

To show you the limits of such bullshit, I’ll write this post, to tell you about a famous comic series sold in north Indian markets which a stumbled upon this week.

The comic series is called ‘Nagraj’. Nagraj is a name for our superhero. The name Nagraj, Literally translated into English is ‘Snake-king’ (Sanskrit: Naag – Snake, Raj – reign). This is India most popular comic series. I must admit, the author of this series has some balls. This is the worst kind of imagination and lack of creativity I have witnessed.

Here is the trivia: (All the information given below is obtained from ‘Nagraj’ website)

1. According to legends his other powers evolved when he was treated with ashes of a dead ichchhadhaari(wish holding*) snake. In hindu mythology, Icchadari snake is a person who after 1000 years of living in a cursed state in form of some rock, is released back into the world. In reality the fact was that Nagraj was much more poisonous than any species of snakes because his venom was celestial.

My comments:

This part is understandable. every superhero needs some kind of story for his supernatural origin. Over here the author has written the story based on hindu mythology, an obvious choice for reasoning for sake of harnessing the super powers. I mean, when you mention the word celestial, no scientific explanation is needed, which relieves you the trouble of explaining all the chemistry, physics and radioactive mumbo jumbo. You get straight to the business, i.e. fighting criminals.

2. Nagraj has a number of powers like superhuman strength, poisonous breath (vish-foonkaar) and bite, instant healing powers and of course, snakes who come out of his wrists separately or make interesting shapes like ropes, parachutes and many other depending on his imagination. (Note : poisonous breath is enemy specific, i.e. it only hurts his opponents)

My comments:

Superhuman strength is the foundation of a superhero, most of the superheroes have it.

The next is the ‘enemy specific poisonous breath’. Obviously, one can find it difficult to comprehend that, when you exhale poisonous air out of your nostrils, how can it be enemy specific at all. But such doubts are answered when they mention that his power are celestial, i.e. no scientific explanation is needed for those who believe in god. For those who don’t believe in God, please read the bible for clarification.

Poisonous bite follows from his name itself, ‘Snake-king’. I mean, there’s no point calling a person 'snake-king' if his bite isn’t poisonous.

Snakes who come out of his hand and make ‘interesting’ shapes like ropes (as if they aren’t shaped like ropes already, gimme a break) and parachutes . Snakes forming a parachute(what bullshit?) – yeah I know exactly what you are thinking. How annoyingly interesting can you get!

3. He is a superhero blessed with the powers of snakes. Millions of snakes reside inside his body, in micro-form. Weapons do no harm him as his micro-snakes instantly heal the wounds.

My comments:

Snakes residing inside his body in micro form. This is no surprise. I am sure there must be millions of body cells in a normal human body which look like microscopic snakes, for example, the sperms. Yeah, to have sperms which can heal your wounds, now that something.

4. Over the years Nagraj became powerful enough not only to pick up falling cars singlehandedly but also achieved feats like throwing things in outer space quite effortlessly.

My comments:

Throwing things in outer space quite effortlessly (here ‘things’ necessarily imply everything) –

I really can’t think of any comments. I mean the author has taken all precautions to make sure that no superhero from any other comic (Indian or Foreign) edition can ever weigh up to this guy.

And what the hell is a falling car? I have never seen one.

5. It is notable, and perhaps ironic, that Nagraj has now been transformed into a mythical-magical creature facing fantastical creatures as his enemies, with elements of sorcery/magic and even time and space travel.

My comments :

Oh yes it is ironic. And not just this part. In case the author didn’t notice, the whole thing sounds ironic to me, right from the beginning of his nutcase storyline based on hindu mythology.

6. Powerful snake friends live inside his body, who also posses superpowers.

Saudangi : Friend-lives in his body

Sheetnag kumar : Friend-lives in his body

Naagu : Friend-lives in his body

My comments:

Living inside his body is okay(remember he is a celestial being). Why the hell does he need powerful friends anyway when he can easily toss things out in space.

The whole point in creating this comic is, to make sure that in every hypothetical situation, wherein criminals do their evil activity, Nagraj must always have some or the other superpower to combat them in not more than three pages in a single comic issue. That way you can include lot of different criminals and variety of plots in a single issue of 30-40 pages.

My word to the author : I congratulate you on successfully exploiting and harnessing the poor IQ of Indian population. Making money effortlessly is definitely more appetizing prospect, than throwing things effortlessly into outer space.

My word to the readers and fans of Nagraj: Fuck you idiots, and fuck your intellect. Can’t believe you fall for such pigeon excreta like ‘Nagraj’.

Countryside macadam

I never believed in teaching profession. In my opinion, a person who wholeheartedly yearns to learn or study will eventually* do so without any coaching (by getting into books). And for a person who isn't interested in learning anything at all, he should promptly castrate himself. Those who aren't interested in learning the things being taught by a teacher, and have some better things in mind, shouldn't even bother to listen no matter how good the teacher is. So no one really needs teacher no matter how proficient he or she is. Personally I never needed a teacher so far, but teachers were thrust upon me as I had to attend some or the other college and study something.

And despite my above mentioned sentiments, I am into the profession of teaching... obviously not by choice. I had a very limited options after graduation in Mathematics, and as long as I don't obtain necessary academic credentials, I would have to wait for the job of my preference. And so I became an interim teacher of maths, and will continue to be one, at least for a couple of months. My first assignment was to conduct lectures in an Engineering college in Shirpur for about a month. Shirpur, a small town located well out of urban limits, is the place where I held my first (and hopefully my last) course, among students from interiors of Indian plateau. And these people have a very different upbringing and culture compared to the spoiled brats of the city like me.

All the time during the journey I couldn't help feeling pissed. The impression I had was that in my life's first professional lecture itself, I'll will be pitted against 200 wild stalwarts all straining their necks to make a mockery of me in class, crack jokes at me, pass comments behind my back, jeer, and walk out of my lecture. The way along the journey, I couldn't ignore the butterflies in the stomach, knowing that this countryside student crowd usually does the above mentioned things in any rookie lecture. Again there was that old cliche I had heard from my own teachers that the first professional lecture really squeezes one's nerves out and that its natural to have a fucked-up first impression. Also, I was influenced by the old proverb, 'life is not a bed of roses'. What the fuck was I going to do?

The arrival in Shirpur was smooth. The village itself was a blend between contemporary housing style and modern concrete settlements. There wasn't even a germane restaurant or any place serving apposite food to city based visitors. But the hotel accomodations were really luxurious. Travelling arragement from hotel to college were fluid. The college staff itself was very congenial. And all commodities very chicken feed cheap. But for me, all the granduer was overshadowed by the nerves.



On the first day, there were a very few students, and hence my scheduled lecture was postponed till the next day, which was relief. But I knew I wouldn't be able to keep on running away and that some or the other time I had to face the students. My days in military school taught a very helpful tact. If you want to learn swimming, the best way to do so is to jump in the water right away, and get the fear out of you. And the same applies to everything else. And so, despite feeling apprehensive I asked my seniors not to bother introducing me to the class as I wanted to do that honour myself( ...there is nothing honourable in my introduction).



And then came the day when I had to conduct the lecture. As I made my towards the podium, I could feel pupils staring at me with a who-the-fuck-is-this-oaf kind of look on their face. One of my senior colleagues was sitting amongst the students too just to make sure I'd be able to handle the class. I suspect he wanted to check out, whether I was really able to conduct a proper lecture. And then it began... O horror!



I was surprised at the pitch of my own voice. To my delight I spoke loudly and clearly, without stammering. I sounded confident to myself. I kept my introduction short... just two sentences (I never like to boast about myself) and started with the topic. And after a while I noticed that the students were actually listening and not dozing off. This was a positive sign again. As the time wore on, I became more and more confident and started taking occasional detours in the lecture reminding myself that I shouldn't be carried away. The fact that I knew everything about my topic in and out, provided me with the necessary anchorage to conduct the lecture without making any kind of mathematical blunders. After a couple of minutes my senior colleague realized that I wouldn't be needing any help now, and he left. I myself felt, it had been very silly of me to have feared this moment, as there was really nothing to be apprehensive about. A few students even asked question, which was again nice, as they actually bothered to think over the things I was barking out. I finished the lecture without having encountered too much disturbance.



I was happy with my first lecture (as I didn't screw up nearly as bad as I first anticipated myself to do). Whether the students actually enjoyed my lecture or not, I have no idea (and honestly I don't care). I didn't make a fool of myself and that was all that mattered to me at that moment. In my opinion it was more like sharing my knowledge with them, and less like coaching.



With the anxiety extinguished in my very first lecture, I couldn't help enjoying my sojourn in Shirpur. The food and travel was free and unlimited, and although there was nothing much to enjoy in the village it was still like vacation and relaxing all the time. As days passed by, I realized that my lectures were getting increasingly boring (I could make out from the students' contours) but I didn't really care as long as I got the content right. As Aristotle had quoted, 'a good teacher is a person who tells the truth to his students, irrespective of his engagement skills'. Personally I would never have attended my own lectures, as I have seen my lecture videos. I know that my lectures are truly boring, very prosaic and totally unimpressive. As it is many people just hate maths, although I don't understand why.



But it was the time outside the college classroom, that I enjoyed the most. As the students were of my age group and in fact from the same batch, we got along well. I myself felt very awkward that they were addressing me as 'Sir' all the time. I played volleyball with them on few occasion ( they had to tolerate me, as I could never hit the ball right). I made a very good friends out of a couple of students there. I spent evenings at their hostel rooms along with my senior colleague, often watching movies and shows on their computers amongst other things like gym. Being an ardent birdwatching aficionado, I took a huge delight in spotting exotic Indian birds (like the Oriental Magpie Robin) which were aplenty in the college vicinity. Even the weather was quite pleasant and much soothing compared to city atmosphere. And I broke my two-and-a-half year long abstinence of alcohol and indulged in vodka along with my company colleagues on 31st midnight (I was astonished to find out that all the major liquor brands were actually available in a remote place like Shirpur, where there was no proper restaurant... I guess thats just Indian culture).



Shirpur experience was a rapturous one. I got rid of my podium fear for good, and had a nice break from the monotonous city life as well. I'd definitely want to go back to Shirpur some day, but certainly not as a faculty. Walking down the country macadam was very pleasing.